Down with the old ones

May they die soon.

Let's come to me and get and get healthy

The Chair of Sleep

It is an extremely strange phenomenon. Whenever in office I get an overpowering urge to go to sleep as soon as I sit on my seat. As soon as I'm off the seat, sleep vanishes. Weird huh?

I am deeply unhappy; I am deeply disturbed

So goes the Infected Mushroom track through my headphone. It might be random but as of right now I have five people online on Gtalk. Observe the status messages:

Me - Fuck you too
Person 1 - Jobless
Person 2 - Forget it I'm numb
Person 3 - Dead
Person 4 - [None]

What strikes me is this. All of us are early 20's. Are we so tired? This may sound like a throwback on an earlier post. If you have a problem with that then as my status message says - Fuck you too.

I'm just see through faded, super jaded out of my mind

RIGHT FIRST TIME (Patent Pending)

This is an inspirational mail from the great leaders of my company. All hail the manager.

"Hi Team:

I would like to introduce a new philosophy for all of us to practice. It's called

RIGHT FIRST TIME

We should follow this philosophy for each and every task we perform, religiously, to the last level of detail. So be it speaking a sentence in a conference call, typing keywords in XXX, writing a sentence in your report, filling an Excel cell, presenting a slide to an audience, adhering to the dress code or timesheet guidelines, ask yourself a simple question, What is the percent of tasks where I am RIGHT the FIRST TIME?

I firmly believe that if you internalize this philosophy (make it part of your value system) and start practising it for every task that you perform, you will see a marked improvement in the quality of your output, your communication, discipline and overall development as an individual. That is because, this forces you to THINK.

Strive to be 100% RIGHT the very FIRST TIME. All the best!!

Do let me know if you have any comments or questions and I will be happy to take them.

Regards,
Giant But-Hed (Senior Manager)"

Now I got this fine piece of sage management advice right before lunch and being a lowly entry level thug in the corporate scene, I was naturally motivated, pumped and awed by the supreme intellect of my superiors. I was filled with a crushing gratitude that the higher management took time from the ultra vital activities that take up most of their brain power (read breathing and keeping their tongues inside their respective mouths) for us mere plebeians. To repay his highness, I vowed that I'll implement the new RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending) philosophy.

Enthused. I walked off towards the mess hall. I was a man with purpose. I was exhilarated. Implementing path breaking paradigms is something you don't get to do every fifth hour. With grim determination, I asked the mess boy to give me the plate. He asked for money and I was prepared. I tendered the right change. I was RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending)! I patted my self on the back. Then took a deep breath. I must not become complacent. Like a hawk, I looked for an empty table and sat down like a sailing cloud. With lightening speed I broke off my first piece of bread..... and stopped short.....

In my brain a thought bloomed. Am I implementing the RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending) paradigm correctly. It is then I saw the error in my ways. I was not asking the question (patent pending). With care, I asked myself... What is the percent of tasks I am doing RIGHT FIRST TIME? Proudly, I confirmed.. I am breathing from my nose and not from my ass (check), My hands are on the plate/spoon/food and not in my nose (check), I am directing the food towards my mouth and not my left earlobe (check).. Relieved I continued eating.

I am proud to tell you gentle reader, by applying the path breaking paradigm, I finished the mountainous task of lunch in four and a half hours. Took a bit longer. But I was RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending)!

All we hear is Sunita gaga, Sunita googoo

Why? Why is it that we Indians rush to embrace the achievements of any NRI's nay even a person with a tenuous connection with India as ours? Don't we have enough of ur own achievements to boast of? For a billion+ country its a one big fucking shame then!

Consider this. How can a person born, brought up and finally settled in the US, born to an Indian Father and a Slovekian mother be considered Indian? And so Indian that students are making sand sculptures, schools are holding special prayers and thousands of brain-dead idiots are sending SMS texts to news channels saying 'Sunita Bharat Ko Tumpe Garv Hai. Tum Bharat Kee Shaan Ho' (Sunita, India is proud of you. You are the pride of India).

She's not Indian! Fucking reflected glory hounds.

Serial killer

I was watching the news yesterday and was interested in a 'Breaking News' on the Aaj Tak Tez channel. A middle aged woman died of a massive heart attack in Patna, Bihar. Reason - The lead protagonist (Tulsi) of her favorite soap (Kyuki Saas Bhi Bahu Thi) was going to go through a make over (Gautami Kapoor replaces Smriti Irani as Tulsi).

Doesn't the episode shed a new light on the phrase 'Serial Killing'. Another rather hilarious thing attached to the drama was that one of the callers suggested that "I used to watch these serials a few years back. They get too emotional. They should regulate the amount of emotion that can be shown in a soap".... Imagine right after the fourth tear, the screen goes black quoting - "Your tear quota for the day is finished. Please watch some happy serials before you can weep again."

We really need the third world war. Too many humans around. Phbbt....

Yoda of the corporate jungle

I bow to you o Wally. Master of Shirk.

But according to this article, the enemy is on to us. We must resist the dark side and change tactics...

Slipping into a comma

,

Very recently Rajasthan and pretty much a lot of North India was engulfed in political violence. The Gujjar tribesmen wanted special reservation privileges as the Meena community. Two men died in the violence. How is all this related to a comma? Read on...

At present, my job needs me to scan truckloads of business newspaper to track developments in a certain industry. While scanning I came across this piece of information in the Economic Times. While setting up the reserved category list, the SC/ST Commission decided to give the reserved status to the 'Bhil Meenas', a fringe impoverished community based in remote Rajasthan. However some meticulous bastard typed 'Bhil, Meena' in the reserved list.... Does that make your jaw drop? Heart sink? Brain frazzle? .... Exactly!

Read the full article here: How Meenas got ST status
To read more about contemporary Meena history click here

Sleepy Train and Curls

Those who saw the Analyst comic, well the Analyst gets a face, three in fact. Planning to start a new comic centred around three protagonists - Sleepy, Train and Curls. Here is a preview. Hopefuly will expand to more. Till then.... zzzzzzzwappp.... whezzzamycoffee?

Mondays are over rated

When people talk about the Monday morning blues and the horror of it all, I happen to find it a little too dramatic. I must confess though that I too have indulged in the melodrama from time to time. But I think Monday is not the worst day of the week. It is Wednesday. Wednesday is where you find your will to live drained out of you. A lonely little you right between an ocean of work. To put it in a more fun(tm) way, let's make a little analogy shall we? Let's compare a week with a drinking binge.

Saturday - Party has started.. You are coolly sipping Vodka and lime
Sunday - Party in full swing.. You are bloody high and feel slightly sick with so much alcohol in your system
Monday - Party is over you are on your way to home
Tuesday - You are too drunk and are unfocused and are falling asleep right near the toilet sink where you might throw up
Wednesday - Your brain is five sizes too big. The world is swimming. Your back hurts because of dozing off in a weird angle. You are brutally hungover.
Thursday - You are puking.
Friday - Hangover is nearly out of the system, you are nursing a glass of warm lime water and counting your losses

Repeat.....

Micromanaged hell

I recieved a most fun mail from my manager a few days back. I couldn't stop laughing for a straight half hour. Being a nice and cheery person I am, I'd like to share this power packed dose of hilarity with you, dear gentle reader.

"Hi Team,

Off-late, I have observed that many of you chat with your friends through IM and desk phone.

Please note that these facilities have been provided ONLY for official use and their usage for personal purposes should be minimized.

In addition, also try to minimize the time spend in taking personal calls on mobile phones.

If any of you have any issues, please feel free to talk to me.

Thanks and regards,
XXX"

I think we'll soon get a mail telling us how not to use the washrooms or the cafeterias or breathe....

"Hi Team,

I have observed that you breathe entirely too much. From now on you are only allowed to gasp and hold your breath. You are allowed only 6 breaths every minute.

If you feel faint or can see a light guiding you to dead relatives, feel free to contact me.

Thanks and best regards,
But-Hed (Manager)"

For more dilbert, click here

Someone proved a point

Post removed.

Lackmoooooooooooooo

This is a Lakme beauty salon

This is a cow

This is a cow going to the Lakm(oooo)e beauty salon

Result: The cow is beautiful

This concludes the presentation. Any questions?

PS: only the last photo has been modified.. slightly.. the rest were taken at the Basant Lok market (Priya)..

PPS: This also proves that a fat cow cannot become a thin cow just by going to beauty parlours phbbbbt.

I am 23

and I am already tired...