Phew!

It's been a long time since I posted. But I have been so very busy for the past few days. I can't believe it myself!

Anyway, this post is for the sake of posting. You know, to keep the old gears in motion. So I shall start with a good bit of ranting and end with a pointless observation. Ready? Go!

~

Don't know if you read the papers for yesterday but it scared me and angered me to see an article about a road-rage related molestation case. What happened was this:
Boy and girl going on a bike at 2:30AM
Big car full of assholes tries to overtake them
For some reason they get into a fight over this
The big car speeds, overtakes and finally blocks the bike
Big bulky men come out of the car
They beat the living daylights out of the boy
Drag the girl into the car and roam around with her for half an hour beating her too
The men escape as no ID was done

I sincerely hope the bastards get testicle cancer and die a slow painful death. It is when things like these happen I am ashamed of being a Delhiite, an Indian and a man. Seriously. May the sick fucks rot in hell.

~

Yesterday I received three April fool's jokes. All three had to do with Deepika Padukone. What goes?

What the fuck?!?

According to this piece, some red tape pusher cancelled the Kolkata bookfair on grounds of environmental pollution. The chosen venue should not be used for these functions according to the municipal act. Perhaps I should go fart in the judges' face. How's that for pollution Mr Buttfuck Chief Justice Nijjar?

If Wishes Were Horses...

They'd be selling damn cheap. At least if the batch 'wishing' thing on Orkut is anything to go by! Consider this screen shot of my Orkut profile


Notice that all the little wishes have been mass mailed? Seriously. What is the damn point?

PS: I don't give a rat's ass if some one wishes me or not. It just irritates me to see that we are trivialising everything; And if this post is anything to go by then it really would be the end of the world as we know it (Mass sex anyone?)

Addendum: Check this post about virtual drugs... Is nothing sacred?! (Where are my freaking headphones?!!)

Wish I may. Wish I might.

A few days back, I recieved a message from a friend saying 'you didn't wish me today' the occasion was Diwali (or was it her birthday[?]) and I was expected to feel guilty. I also recicved a tireless stream of SMS 'wishes' wishing me a happy and prosperous Diwali. I did not wish anyone. Why? Because it annoys me to communicate with someone at the whim of Hallmark and Archies. Every few days I hear that today is 'rose' day, 'chocolate' day... well how about kiss my ass day? Why should I talk to anyone because some paper pusher thinks I should and much more importantly why am I expected to wish anyone as if out of compulsion? If I did not wish someone, then it means that I either do not put the un-wished in high regard or I do not put the occasion in high regard or both. So if I did not wish you and you feel offended, then let me tell you one thing. Fuck You!!

Follow up to RIGHT FIRST TIME

This I had to post. After the life changing experience with RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending). The managers at my organisation came up with another blockbuster. GET THINGS DONE! (patent pending here as well). What is this path breaking paradigm? See for yourself. I am too over-awed to be sarcastic right now.

"Hi Team,

This is in continuation to XXX's mail about being RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending). I would like to add another dimension to it which is GET THINGS DONE (patent pending here as well).

I have been noticing this for quite some days now and would like all of you to follow this for each and every task you perform or someone asks you to do.

Be it a simple task like follow-up on a client mail, getting something installed on your PC, getting approvals, please ensure that you take complete ownership of the task and get it done.

Please do not wait for the person who has asked you to do the task to follow up again and again but be proactive and communicate with him/her if you are facing any bottlenecks. If you see any task is not being done properly by the project team/corporate team (IT/Admin/Transport/Finance/HR)/or even the client, please make it a point to raise it with your manager or in an appropriate forum.

This will also reduce the risk of any small issue turning into a potential fire. Be assured that this will help in developing your skill set and people will start looking up to you as a trusted team member.

If you have any queries/suggestions, please feel free to talk to me.

REMEMBER - Do not be reactive be proactive.

Thanks and best regards,
Manager"

And hey pssst... See that punchline? The one about reactive and proactive. Your's truly suggested that. Muhuhuhaahaahaaaaa I feel so like laughing an evil laugh. Damn you micromanagers. May you go to manager's hell.

RIGHT FIRST TIME (Patent Pending)

This is an inspirational mail from the great leaders of my company. All hail the manager.

"Hi Team:

I would like to introduce a new philosophy for all of us to practice. It's called

RIGHT FIRST TIME

We should follow this philosophy for each and every task we perform, religiously, to the last level of detail. So be it speaking a sentence in a conference call, typing keywords in XXX, writing a sentence in your report, filling an Excel cell, presenting a slide to an audience, adhering to the dress code or timesheet guidelines, ask yourself a simple question, What is the percent of tasks where I am RIGHT the FIRST TIME?

I firmly believe that if you internalize this philosophy (make it part of your value system) and start practising it for every task that you perform, you will see a marked improvement in the quality of your output, your communication, discipline and overall development as an individual. That is because, this forces you to THINK.

Strive to be 100% RIGHT the very FIRST TIME. All the best!!

Do let me know if you have any comments or questions and I will be happy to take them.

Regards,
Giant But-Hed (Senior Manager)"

Now I got this fine piece of sage management advice right before lunch and being a lowly entry level thug in the corporate scene, I was naturally motivated, pumped and awed by the supreme intellect of my superiors. I was filled with a crushing gratitude that the higher management took time from the ultra vital activities that take up most of their brain power (read breathing and keeping their tongues inside their respective mouths) for us mere plebeians. To repay his highness, I vowed that I'll implement the new RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending) philosophy.

Enthused. I walked off towards the mess hall. I was a man with purpose. I was exhilarated. Implementing path breaking paradigms is something you don't get to do every fifth hour. With grim determination, I asked the mess boy to give me the plate. He asked for money and I was prepared. I tendered the right change. I was RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending)! I patted my self on the back. Then took a deep breath. I must not become complacent. Like a hawk, I looked for an empty table and sat down like a sailing cloud. With lightening speed I broke off my first piece of bread..... and stopped short.....

In my brain a thought bloomed. Am I implementing the RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending) paradigm correctly. It is then I saw the error in my ways. I was not asking the question (patent pending). With care, I asked myself... What is the percent of tasks I am doing RIGHT FIRST TIME? Proudly, I confirmed.. I am breathing from my nose and not from my ass (check), My hands are on the plate/spoon/food and not in my nose (check), I am directing the food towards my mouth and not my left earlobe (check).. Relieved I continued eating.

I am proud to tell you gentle reader, by applying the path breaking paradigm, I finished the mountainous task of lunch in four and a half hours. Took a bit longer. But I was RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending)!

All we hear is Sunita gaga, Sunita googoo

Why? Why is it that we Indians rush to embrace the achievements of any NRI's nay even a person with a tenuous connection with India as ours? Don't we have enough of ur own achievements to boast of? For a billion+ country its a one big fucking shame then!

Consider this. How can a person born, brought up and finally settled in the US, born to an Indian Father and a Slovekian mother be considered Indian? And so Indian that students are making sand sculptures, schools are holding special prayers and thousands of brain-dead idiots are sending SMS texts to news channels saying 'Sunita Bharat Ko Tumpe Garv Hai. Tum Bharat Kee Shaan Ho' (Sunita, India is proud of you. You are the pride of India).

She's not Indian! Fucking reflected glory hounds.

Someone proved a point

Post removed.

The catberts in our lives

I dislike the HR function. I honestly feel they are just stupid cost to company politely referred as 'management overheads'. A few days back I recieved a mail from the HR director of my company. Here it is with the pinpointing details missing so that they don't get to sue me.

"Dear All,

Of late, we have noticed that there is an increasing casualness in the way we interact; Hindi is being indiscriminately used. Let’s understand that the business language at XXX is English. At times, teams have been seen cheering/talking loudly, disturbing the other people around. In case, you need to celebrate an event, please walk down to the cafeteria.

Moreover, many employees are not adhering to the dress code, especially on Fridays. People have been seen sporting low-waist jeans, sports shoes, floaters, short skirts, tight T-shirts. Also, ties have often been seen to go missing even on other week days. This is not acceptable. If you have any doubts regarding the dress code, refer to the dress code policy (attached) or check with HR and your Managers.

Till now, we have tried to correct and warn people, but now we would be asking people to go back home if any such instance is observed.

To reiterate, please maintain professional decorum within the office premises.

Look forward to your cooperation!

Best Regards"

I am so disgusted with the dresscode policy at work that I wear formals everyday. In my opinion, the casuals are too bloody formal. I'd rather not take the pity and mercy from the dense pointless jackasses earning their salary through our blood and sweat.... Gaah. Fuck you HR!!

Necktie Professionalism

My company is a 'professional services organisation' making me a 'professional' too. The way my company defines a professional is most interesting and unfortunately very widespread. In fact I am assured that their definition of the professional is an 'industrial best practice'.

One such best practice states: ' The professional shalt wear a tie'. We have a gold plated framed version of the carefully reviewed aid to professionalism (CRAP) enshrined in the gents loo. Therefore if you'd ask females of my office, they might not know. But looking at CRAP is a very important part of our day. There are speculations that the Ladies loo might be the home of PISS (primness is suggested strongly). If any honoured colleague is reading this, please confirm. I'll reply most professionally with a mail ending with a heartfelt 'Thanks and best regards'. Anyhow on to neckties.

The Story of Neckties



Chapter I

Lets look at the history of the neckties first. Shih Huang Ti, who died in 210 BC, was a deranged lunatic. He was also the emperor of China. This moron was bloody scared of death so this dude decided to kill his entire 2000 men strong personal body guard and take them on his glorious journey after death. This gentleman wore the first neck tie.

Lesson learnt -> The management is afraid of their professional death. Therefore it wants to kill us and take us with them to disaster and so it forces a neck tie upon us. Avoid getting entangled with corporates. They may suck your soul.

Chapter II

Tie made their next appearance in the 1600s. The Croatian mercenaries wore kerchiefs around their necks. These pointless dangling things were adopted by the nation with a penchant for adopting weird dangling things. France. These were called 'Cravate' the word is believed to be derived from the Turkish 'kyrabacs' or the Hungarian 'korbacs'. Both mean whip.

Lessons learnt -> The tie is the management's symbol of authority. They want us to realise all the time that they hold the whip. Stay away from corporates you may get more than a kick to your butt.

Chapter III

Our world is one of several unresolved questions, such as why is Arundhati Roy such a bitch? Why is the media so incredibly stupid? Why do so many men treat women like shit? Why do so many women accept being treated like shit? Why isn't humanity extinct yet and who the fuck is this god person anyway? (yes I stole it from Adams. Sue me :P)

The unresolved question in focus here is the reason why do the frenchies lead fashion. Because following the douche bags, other European douche bags started emulating thus damning entire generations to a sensless piece of cloth tied around ones neck. What started as a puffed up fool's dementia still remains to be a puffed up fools dementia. The Emperor has now simply been substituted by the CEO.

Conclusion

Neckties are uncomfortable costly dangly pieces of cloth that are the proof of your submission to the whims of your pay-masters. That you must bid as they say at the tug of the leash. Now heel dog heel!

Or would you?

Rawk!!

I received a mail from Sahil Makhija, the front man of Demonic Resurrection, today. His self owned record lable is bringing out a new CD the tracklist goes something like this:

Demonic Resurrection – Beyond The Darkness
1. Journey To Solaris
2. Celestial Disharmony
3. And The Dream Will Cease To Exist
4. Beyond The Darkness
5. The Fallen Stars
Severe Dementia – Epitaph Of Plassey
6. Entombment of the Traitor
7. Credence of Fort William
8. The Bengal Regiment
9. Howls Of Mushidabad
10. Strangled by Treason and Forgery
Dusk – Dead Heart Dawning
11. When The Mirror Speaks
12. Dreaming Gotishya
13. Sorrows Of The Flesh
14. Dead Heart Dawning
Bonus Tracks - Helmskey
15. Black Disharmonium
16. To Rise And Fall Again

Now notice the fantastic choice of song names let alone the band names and their section names. Now I couldn't help but burst into a hearty guffaw. Either I am totally out of the local metal scene or this is possibly the most ridiculous sounding track-list ever. Seeing this I came up with a new band name and a new album name and a new track-list for my own self.

Band Name -> Band with the cool name which you cannot pronounce

Album Name -> Immortal enema of Satan's legions

Tracks ->

1) I wore a black bib while I sucked on Satan's tits
2) Misery of balls enthrallum
3) Seven cats from hell's trashcans of filth
4) Why does the black bell toll when I'm taking a dump?
5) I am macho I wipe with cactus
6) Six six sex!!

Woo hoo I'm a rock star!!

Any bugger you like

Dear friends,
Our honorable president period ends by 2007. He had been informed not
to continue. Some youngsters of INDIA set a site given below for
requesting the Indian government to extend his period for the next
five years. If you are willing Dr.APJ to continue as president can
enter their support in that website. Hurry UP. Please forward it to
all Indians.

http://www.petitiononline.com/apj/

plz help!!!!!!

DONT THINK THAT SOMEONE ELSE SHALL VOTE...

U DO UR DUTY 1ST....

I WS SHOCKED TO SEE ONLY 113719 VOTES

With our population being in more than 100 crores !!

I recently came across this email. Now my rant is composed of two parts. I shall begin with the first one now.

Why APJ?

Why is the Indian diaspora enchanted with the guy? He's a president for god's sake a figurehead without any real power. So it doesn't matter if it is APJ or Late and honourable Phoolan Devi. I can recall that when APJ's was elected the president, the media went wild. His being muslim and the possessor of long hair became a serious topic of discussion. People were actually asked that if a long haired president really different? According to the article 74 of the Indian Constitution, "[a] council of ministers to aid and advise the President who shall, in exercise of his functions, act in accordance with such advice" Rendering the much coveted Mr Kalam quite useless. Infact the world speaks to us in symbols. Pink Floyd gave us the answer to the president question quite a while back if you make a subtle change to one of their songs. Just change colour to bugger. And the president can be any colour you like.
<- End of first Rant(tm) ->

What are these online petitions anyhow?

I mean who the hell reads them? The governments surely don't neither, I think, the people who matter. So who reads (and subsequently forwards) them? Having done the same on a previous occasion, I can assure you that it is a pathetic loser who reads and forwards this stuff. A poor little sod who knows he is helpless but wants to do the proverbial something to make a difference. Difference.. yeah right. Jackass... phbbt
<- End of second Rant(tm) ->