Disclaimer

The author of this blog is a complete nut-case and should not be taken any more seriously than a broken shoe hanging on the friendly neighbourhood truck's bumper. Any reference to person(s) real or imaginary is because of a multi-dimensional specie of super intelligent mice and therefore not his fault.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Memento Mori... Hurrah!

A few days back I was talking to a friend and for some vague reason, the talk turned to Death and dying. At which point, I said that I think that death is the best thing that can happen to anyone and so on and so forth. To which, the friend reacted with shock and quite a bit of reproach (and as the person was a she, the reproach was of the silent kind and really uncomfortable!). So it got me thinking. Why is Death vilified all over and life is the good person in general? If we were to put blame on something for our miseries, it is life! We did not ask to be born. Hell we did not even know what was born or even asking!! But we were dragged into existing, subjected to the rat race and then to die knowing full well that we have achieved nothing and sentenced another set of poor assholes to our fates.

I believe that Death is not bad for the person who is dying. But it is painted as a bad thing because we the living envy the dead. We rue the early exit.

Fuck life. Ave Mortis!!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Fear and Loathing In Gas Vegas

Today was one freaky day. I woke up feeling like shit today and sort of had a premonition that the rest of the day would be shit too. Well... it kinda was. Must be winters but was sleepy and annoyed the whole day. Anyhow, about the title story, I do not know if I have declared it here, but I recently got promoted and am now an official part of the 'lower' 'middle' 'management'... yes gentle reader, I too am this close to selling my soul. So after the promotion, I am supposed to deal increasingly with the client. Today was another such day and my premonition of shittiness was manifested in the last half hour of Monday.... Sample this conversation that happened via SMS while I was going back home...

Client is in Europe and is 6 hours behind us so 11:00 PM here is 5:00 PM there...

C: Gandalf, can you please give me a call...
Me: Hi Client, I have left for the day. Would it be alright if I follow up tomorrow? If urgent I will try to find alternate means to contact you...
C: That's alright. But you know the end of the world is here. One of your team members sent the research documents to the wrong set of people and basically you are fucked. But never mind we can talk tomorrow.
Me: (Oh my fucking god!!) As far as I know, we sent it to you, client#2 and an internal mailing list...
C: Oh... so do you always send the research docs to internal mailing lists...
Me: Yes Client, we always do.
C: Oh great then have a good day. Cheers...
Me: @#%!##

The end.

Blue Monday... Bah!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Funky shit

At work today, my good friend Raccoon, Sleepy and I were having a random chat to ease off the rotten pressure we are all under all of a sudden. Somehow during the course of the conversation, Raccoon suddenly commented that he cannot visualise the celebrities taking a shit. For which we immediately panned him and made gentle fun of him by hurling abuses on his sexual prowess and preferences. However, later I tried to imagine celebrities shitting and the funniest one I came up with was Buddha shitting. Why? Picture this...

"Many years ago, the wise sage Buddha was on a world tour and he reached this village famous for its rich food and carnal men. So Buddha though well I must enlighten the poor souls and take them towards equilibrium. Well the men welcomed him with open arms and open larders and piled delicacy after delicacy for him. Not to appear rude and aloof Buddha nibbled on some of the stuff and later preached spirituality. The village listened with rapt attention and later wend home a little more thoughtful than usual. (Right about now you must be asking where is the shit? Well I got news for you baby. Incoming!!)

Cut scene to next morning our Generic Villager (GV) is going for his morning walk...

Unknown Voice: Unghhhh!
GV: Eh? Wot?
UV: Unghhhhhhhhh!
GV: ???
UV: Gaaaah!!! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!!
(GV heads towards the sound and is shocked!)
GV: Buddha!!
(Sees that Buddha is taking a painfully constipated shit)
GV: Like find your equilibrium dude. Be one with the world and shit...
Buddha: (waggles a strategic finger at GV and screams) Be one with this you son of a bitch! Guaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
(GV is overcome with emotions and the smell and covers his eyes and after a while when all is quiet with the world again, opens them with a beating heart...)
GV: Buddha...
Buddha: (is levitating) Peace my son
GV: Wow! How did you attain this state of Nirvana man? What did you smoke?
Buddha: Hush my silly child. One attains peace when a powerful truth dawns on him.
GV: Wow! what truth big B?
Buddha: Tell this to your fellow men - "Ask not why Shit happens. But know that Shit must happen. One can never know true peace unless Shit happens"
GV: Wow! ....
GV: (quietly) Seriously what were you smoking?

Fade out..."

Tada!!!

If you think this is a shitty story.. well then, it is!! Wahahahahahahaha!!!!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

The best laid plans

The stage was set. A very close friend was coming from the US of A after a year and we were all excited. The close friend (let's call her CF from now on) calls up another friend (let's call him local friend or LF1) and tells him that she wants to surprise her parents and therefore she'll be coming a day earlier than what she had told them and can LF1 come and pick her up from the airport. So LF1 calls another friend LF2 and yours truly as well and we cook up a plan to give her a nice welcome. We go there with our guitars slung around our shoulders and discussing how sweet it would be for her parents to see their daughter turn up a day early! We were also making our own plans how to best surprise her and just then.. bang her dad shows up at the airport and we are all aww crap there goes the surprise. The end. Right?

Naah. It so happens that someone wanted to fuck us up. So the flight got delayed and we were stuck chit-chatting with her dad and being the concerned parent he is, he very nearly accused us of giving her mom a heart attack! Why? They were frantically trying to reach CF but could not obviously as she was on the plane and everyone was super worried and yada yada yada... We were pissed as we were standing there in the cold late at night with office tomorrow and getting pasted for something that was not our fault! And the worst part of it all was we could identify with the dad. If I was in his place I'd have kicked my ass and we could not find anyone to blame...

Therefore the best laid plans are generally worth shit. Life is random my friends no grand scheme. No plan. Phbbt...

PS: Surprises suck. Never do it. It's the damn movies that have made them so damn romantic. We are all comfortable with 'planning' stuff if something goes awary, we get irritated. Bah!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Of short tops and the constant tugging

Have you seen girls wearing a t-shirt type top (which may go under several names such as tank, halter, noodle, whatever)? Now every single girl I've seen (and not that I ogle) has this really really irritating tic of almost unconsciously tugging the top from the lower back, where it eventually ends up, to the waist. I asked a female friend about this and she said that it is generally to maintain modesty. So the thing is this. If they *think* the bare midriff/lower back may be immodest, why wear it and if they do not, then why tug. This my dear reader is another example of the degenerate hypocritical culture we have (and I do not mean the Indian culture but the global culture). Fucking humans. Useless pieces of carbon shit.

Friday, November 16, 2007

I am

Deeply unhappy. I am deeply disturbed. Life is so fucking random.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Wish I may. Wish I might.

A few days back, I recieved a message from a friend saying 'you didn't wish me today' the occasion was Diwali (or was it her birthday[?]) and I was expected to feel guilty. I also recicved a tireless stream of SMS 'wishes' wishing me a happy and prosperous Diwali. I did not wish anyone. Why? Because it annoys me to communicate with someone at the whim of Hallmark and Archies. Every few days I hear that today is 'rose' day, 'chocolate' day... well how about kiss my ass day? Why should I talk to anyone because some paper pusher thinks I should and much more importantly why am I expected to wish anyone as if out of compulsion? If I did not wish someone, then it means that I either do not put the un-wished in high regard or I do not put the occasion in high regard or both. So if I did not wish you and you feel offended, then let me tell you one thing. Fuck You!!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Susanna and the long drive

This has to be my most random memory fragments. Perhaps this was triggered because I was chatting up with Bombay just a while back.. But anyhow. The story is - I was listening to Susanna by Art Company right now and suddenly a scene flashed in front of my eyes. Our minds are funny things. But it was almost a total recall of a drive we (ayush, az, Bombay and me) had in Chandigarh while coming back from the sector 17(?) market. We were close to the Chandi Mandir cantt and the song came and we all started singing. Whatte fun. I know this is not the most interesting of the stories. But wow! The memory was so... clear...

Saturday, October 27, 2007

OST - Gandalf Greyheme

Today I was generally spooked at office and was feeling more random than usual. So I thought that all the movies have an OST. If I were in a movie, what would I want to be my song? Or more specifically what would be my 'cool walk' song. I compiled the list of the following five songs -

1) Feverdog - Stillwater
2)Lebanese Blonde - Thievery Corporation
3) Back In Black - AC/DC
4) Little Green Bag - George Baker
5) Come As You Are - Nirvana

If you are infact reading this, do post your 'cool walk' song.

*Due credit to Sleepy and Shorty for their contributions

Friday, October 26, 2007

O fortuna

Another theme that has always seduced me is Carl Orff's O fortuna. Love that piece!

Nothing is all and all is nothing

"A nihilist is a man who judges of the world as it is that it ought not to be, and of the world as it ought to be that it does not exist. According to this view, our existence (action, suffering, willing, feeling) has no meaning: the pathos of 'in vain' is the nihilists' pathos — at the same time, as pathos, an inconsistency on the part of the nihilists. - Friedrich Nietzsche"

I have often wondered if I would belong to the Nihilistic school of thought or Existential. I still do not know. But one strange evening, when the day was long and the world was inexplicably melancholy, this came to my head -

Look at me my friend,
Can you tell me where the crest broke off;
And the wave rolled away?
When we let go of our colours;
And started being gray?

Too afraid to do what we want to.
Too bitter to do what we must.
Always on the brink of something.
And falling back to the limbo and rust.

We are all unique.
We all go through the same cycle.
No motive. No need. No higher purpose,
Just survival.

Another stone in the road,
Another dot in the line.
We will die as we lived.
Nondescript.
Plain.
Ordinary.

-G

Thursday, October 11, 2007

The centre seat horror

Hello happy readers. I will bitch about just how bad these past few days have been and the coming several days are looking to be later. The reason I am at my keyboard today is to share one of the little rays of sunshine that keep me sane at work. What follows is a mail to the transport department of my company. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.... If you don't, you deserve the centre seat. Muhuhahahahahahaha!!!

"Hi All,

Please arrange a cab drop for me to ABC Place at XYZ PM Shift tonight (October 08, 2007).

Also please note that everyday my route is scheduled with two ABC Place based girls; however, none of the girls wants to sit at the centre place on the back seat, they only want door side seats. Since, as per the law one guard is also required in the cab and the front seat is occupied by that guard, therefore, it becomes impossible for me to travel in the cab (as obviously I will not sit at the centre between them). From last two days I have been myself re-scheduling my drop on other ABC Place going cabs; however, today there was no space on other cabs. Therefore on reporting in time also I was unable to board the cab and there was no other cab available.

Therefore, it is my sincere request to please change my cab drop schedule. Many Many thanks in advance.

Best regards,

Centreseatphobe"


In other news, Radiohead released their new album online. You heard it right. Online and for free. Well they let you set your own price so poor people like me conveniently put the value to be £0.00. But. If I like it well enough (which I am) I'll probably get it shipped. Radiohead is sweet!!

In even other-er news, Nine Inch Nails is to follow suite. Yayee! Take that RIAA biatches!

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

The Triangle of Bullshit

I recently got a mail from the higher echelons of management they talked about the triangle of quality. This is what it looks like:
They talked about serious stuff using phrases like MECE(Mutually Exclusive, Collectively Exhaustive - funky shit. I know.) Which is essentially a MBAish way of saying that old grandma's warning - "Don't put all yer eggs in the same basket sonny". The thing is that I would not have been as cheesed off with the mail if it had any real purpose. The real reason this shit was done was because the sender wanted to kiss some ass. Therefore I came up with a new paradigm to empower the knowledge worker. I call it the triangle of bullshit.

Notice the funky, colourful way the information has been presented. You will also note that the word bullshit is in the centre in RED. With such a diagram, I'm sure the paradigm will soon find a place in Wharton text books. Wahahahahaha...

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Gaaaaa

It's 2:20 in the night and I am still in the fucking office. I hate working. Fuck fuck fuck!!


Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Crash and crash


Five days, 14/15 hours at work. Are we supposed to live this way? As Jar Jar here would say - "Meesa tired. Meesa want to sleep. Yousa understand?!"

The photo is sourced from www.art.com, Jar Jar Binks is a George Lucas character. None of it is mine.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Being busy on g-talk

This is my chat window status. If you noticed, of the 17 people online, 4 are idle, 4 are ready to chat and 9 are busy (myself included). Busy with what? Nothing! Ping any one of them and chances are you'll get instant response. I wonder why do we use that red dot. Maybe looks cooler... Phbbt... Pseudo jerks we are... (Even right now, the elipsis is to tell you I have more to say than I am saying. Bloody fake man!)

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Of marriages and whores

I've been working with my company for nearly 10 months now. Yesterday I was told that I am to be a full time equivalent resource (FTR) for a client. now an FTR happenes to be a person who works exclusively for a client. In the outsourcing model, if company X outsources to Y which employes A,B,C,D, the work of Y can be done by any of the A-D. However, in case of an FTR model, if A is an FTR for X, any work that comes from X will be done by A.

When I was told that I am to be an FTR, I was also told that the FTR relationship is like a marriage. Where you are dedicated and there is an exclusivity in the relationship. Now we come to the point of the post. Upon hearing this, I began to wonder, if FTR is a marriage, then is a non FTR relationship is one with a whore? Wow. That sure boosts my morale. Go team!


*Image not mine. If it inspires you to pay, pay the creators... bah!

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

They've goat it made

Not so long ago, in a galaxy not so far away, there is a country called Nepal. This story is about an airplane, a goat and divine intervention.

Recently, a Boieng 757 was grounded in Nepal for unspecified resons. Now the company knows that Boing makes excellent aircrafts so the possiblity of a technical snag was definately in the bin. So by some quick sleuthwork, the administration decided that it must be the meddeling gods; one Mr. Akash Bhairab in this case. To appease the mighty one, a goat was quickly arranged and executed. It is now reported that the aircraft is working fine. In the end, everyone came off well and nothing baad happen. Groovy.




Read the full story here

Monday, September 3, 2007

The bald frog with a wig

I was fiddling with the blog template and i came across the profile page. There i saw something called a random question box. Here was my question 'The children are waiting! Please tell them the story about the bald frog with the wig'. What I came up with turned out to be too long for the box. So here is my story:


The Bald Frog:

Once upon a time, on the mountain of sag, there lived a farmer frog named Knowhare Flaikatcha. So deep was he in his work that he had lost all his hair. One night the faery of mischief fark-ewe-bad came to Knowhare in his dream and told him that he will meet up with a beautiful princess and they may live happily ever after if he has long shiny locks to show the princess. Therefore the not so clever Knowhare went to his farm and borrowed the hair from a corn-cob and stuck them on his head using honey. Next day, the frog stood ready for his beautiful princess and the happily ever after. But before the frog could get his heart's desire, a swarm of locust came from no where and taking the frog for crop, ate it up. After a while when the princess came, she only found tiny frog bones and the dragon came and ate her up.

Moral of the story: Stupid frogs get no princess. They get fucked.

ps: The Flaikatcha funda is supposed to be a tribute to the great Basu. I am not ripping him off.

I, Snarky

You Are a Snarky Blogger!

You've got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of. And that's why they read your posts as often as they can!

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Pilgrimage: The Bookworm

I have decided that I shall write about the book shops in and around Delhi. I shall not talk about the ugly chains. Not about the Oxfords or the Om Book Shops or Crossword. I shall talk about the cozy little shops owned by people who care about them, the books they sell and the way the shops smell (believe me the little shops smell much much better than the faceless bland fare dished out at the chains). In brief, I shall talk about the shops around the corner.

So I start this with a small shop nestled in the madness of Connaught Place. In the same radial row as Plaza Cinema sits The Bookworm. The shop boasts of a neat little collection. Varied and refreshing. You will find your standard fare of Ludlums and Coelhos. But you'll also find other stuff to read as well. A fine selection of 'classics' a very good collection of non-fiction (Fromm, Hesse et al). It also has a second floor containing poetry, music, politics, children's books. The stuff there is not exactly to my liking (at all actually). But what makes the place most remarkable is the approach staircase. Its a rikety, worn-out spiral staircase, and as you ascend, you literally find yourself shoulder deep in books. The books there start right where the floor space starts and they are stacked right up to the roof!

Go there for the staircase if nothing else.



Where?
The Bookworm,
B-29 Connaught Place,
New Delhi
Ph: 23322260


How To Get There?
Get to CP, then get to Plaza. chances are you've already seen it.

Why Should I Go There?
First because I say so. Second for the spiral staircase. If you like books, believe me you'd feel like Alice when she might have felt when she poked her head in the rabbit hole.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

The (Blame)Game Theory

Oh my god! This was so bloody funny man. Okay here is the story so far - There is this new idiot in our team who has been hired for a 'lower' 'middle' 'management' role. Lets call the person 'lower middle managing idiot' (LMMI). Now LMMI has been throwing her weight around since she joined. Perhaps it was to assert her 'authority' or it might have just resulted from the person's brains being addled by being called a LMMI. Whatever. The following is a superb superb example of the weight throwing and the subsequent 'fuck you' by now super admired Mr Sleepy (At this point might I add that Sleepy, you are not a half hearted rebel anymore brother. You have been upgraded to three-quarter heart rebel from now on!). This conversation was forwarded to me by another colleague. Let's call her 'Mute Spectator' (MS)... Phew! Read already!!

LMMI [2:07 PM]:
Sleepy why wasnt (Bla bla bla) communicated to MS(once i discussed n informed u
of the communication gap between u two)?

Sleepy has been added to the instant message conversation.

LMMI [2:08 PM]:
Sleepy can we have your response please?

MS [2:08 PM]:
its clear now...LMMI

LMMI [2:08 PM]:
MS time is of essence.

Sleepy [2:08 PM]:
MS was not at her seat that time

Sleepy [2:08 PM]:
she had gone for lunch

LMMI [2:08 PM]:
you could have called her up

Sleepy [2:08 PM]:
then i went for lunch

LMMI [2:08 PM]:
or mailed / IMed her

LMMI [2:08 PM]:
so when she comes back she is immediately aware of it

LMMI [2:09 PM]:
we all know the urgency, dont we?

Sleepy [2:09 PM]:
what is the issue i dont understand .. its not held up our work

LMMI [2:09 PM]:
the proposal goes tmrw. the IT team cant progress unless we submit draft
ppt

Sleepy [2:09 PM]:
non of us were sitting idle rite

LMMI [2:09 PM]:
MS sud have ideally finished the template had the miscomm been not
there

LMMI [2:10 PM]:
Sleepy, you will not be rude.

Sleepy [2:10 PM]:
where am i being rude

LMMI [2:10 PM]:
by refuting and accepting your mistake

Sleepy [2:10 PM]:
wht is my msitake .. ?

LMMI [2:10 PM]:
and instead trying to argue (not sitting ideal)?

Sleepy [2:11 PM]:
its not like anyone duplicated efforts

LMMI [2:11 PM]:
Sleepy none of us is ideal

LMMI [2:11 PM]:
you dont get it still.

LMMI [2:11 PM]:
the template is far from quality output

LMMI [2:11 PM]:
so are the charts

LMMI [2:11 PM]:
if you guys dont gear up, i will have to work on them myself!

LMMI [2:11 PM]:
and i expect the best from you two!

LMMI [2:12 PM]:
i understand that you need training and hence i have given a lot of time
already

LMMI [2:12 PM]:
but, either you give me high quality output or else i will work on it
myself

LMMI [2:13 PM]:
its been 36 + 5 hours.! just for template and charts

LMMI [2:13 PM]:
you tell me should we be spending so much time on them?

LMMI [2:13 PM]:
cant we be more efficient, i ask you?

Sleepy [2:14 PM]:
of course we can .. we got feedback form ashish yesterday and we made
the new template so fast

LMMI [2:14 PM]:
going forward, i want a daily update(in mail form) from both of you
everyday, before you leave.

LMMI [2:14 PM]:
yes that effort was good!

LMMI [2:14 PM]:
but the initial hours lost. almost 30 prior to it. was not acceptable

LMMI [2:15 PM]:
i trust you both to ensure there is no communication gap betwen you two

LMMI [2:15 PM]:
if i communicate something to 1 and ask her/him to communicate it to
other, it should be done asap

Sleepy [2:15 PM]:
i hope u urealise that the communciation has not made us lose time

LMMI [2:15 PM]:
i only resort to trusting, when i myself am running real short of time

LMMI [2:16 PM]:
Sleepy, the issue is not whether or not this time we lost something. but
the error is there

LMMI [2:16 PM]:
and i want you to take up that responsibility. rather than shirking it
off

LMMI [2:16 PM]:
unless we realise our errors and own them, we cant improvise.

Sleepy [2:16 PM]:
i am not shirking it off ..

LMMI [2:16 PM]:
the point is no such comm gap will be acceptable going forward

LMMI [2:17 PM]:
and yes, MS has lost time. coz had she been informed on time, she
cud have devoted time to it

LMMI [2:17 PM]:
now the meeting happens soon

Sleepy [2:17 PM]:
she has other things to do also

Sleepy [2:17 PM]:
she s completing taht and then she was going to spend time on the
template

LMMI [2:17 PM]:
like what?

LMMI [2:17 PM]:
Sleepy

LMMI [2:17 PM]:
tell me

Sleepy [2:17 PM]:
its not like she put time on the templatte ..

LMMI [2:18 PM]:
she was thru with charts.

LMMI [2:18 PM]:
had she known she cud have devoted time to template

Sleepy [2:18 PM]:
the charts and then the comparison template

LMMI [2:18 PM]:
that critical time is lost

Sleepy [2:18 PM]:
so are you saying MS was sitting idle .. ?

LMMI [2:18 PM]:
Sleepy i am not losing more time over this.

Sleepy [2:18 PM]:
neither am i

LMMI [2:18 PM]:
there are imp things to be done

LMMI [2:18 PM]:
rather than arguing just ensure the comm gap doenst happen

LMMI [2:19 PM]:
it has happened in past also

LMMI [2:19 PM]:
thankyou both of you for your time now

LMMI [2:19 PM]:
go ahead and get going with ur work now!

LMMI [2:19 PM]:
all the best! and i want the best from u

LMMI [2:44 PM]:
Sleepy... its 2 hrs! i was expecting draft in 90min

LMMI [2:44 PM]:
when can u send it?

LMMI [2:45 PM]:
ok i got it

Sleepy [2:45 PM]:
jus go throug your mailbox before ..

LMMI [2:46 PM]:
before what Sleepy?

LMMI [2:47 PM]:
i dont see any need for being unnecessarily rude

Sleepy [2:47 PM]:
I am not being rude ... your first statement was not polite

LMMI [2:47 PM]:
yes you are being rude.

LMMI [2:48 PM]:
i've overlooked it in the past.

LMMI [2:48 PM]:
please ensure it doesnt repeat

*An early impression of the battle of bullshit by Gandalf

Monday, August 20, 2007

A thing about The Matrix.

Ok. Whatever happened to the body in the matrix, happened in the real world right? So if a man had to take a shit in the matrix would that mean he's crapping his pants in the real world. Hey Neo, you need diapers man.

The man who moved a mountain

This post is dedicated to Dasrath Manjhi, a poor logger from a village near Gaya, Bihar. After losing his wife to the treacherous mountain roads connecting his village to the world. Such was his loss and love for the woman, he decided to dig through the mountain. After a 31 year labour that started in 1959, the man finally won the mountain with his hammer, shovel and chisel.


Hats off to you sir.

Story and image attributed to 'The Pioneer' 18 August 2007

Friday, August 17, 2007

Ode To Friday

The sun is scorching
And the dust gets in my eye
My back hurts and my neck creaks
There are several emails in my inbox – unreplied

The work still sucks
The projects are still lame
The pressures are still high
And I still must take the blame

But I’ll still smile. I’d grin infact!
There isn’t much that can bring me down today
O yes I will smile and dance a merry jig
I will smile. For today’s a Friday!

-G

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

The haunted photo

This is my photo at a human history museum in Bhopal. Now I'm seriously creeped out. The thing is that the photo looks normal when opened normally. But if you set your folder options to thumbnails view, it changes to something rather scary. For those who have XP, the preview image in the 'Details' tab on the lower left is also the creepy one. Check it for yourself. Left click and open the picture and download it to your computer.

Passage to India

A prospective foreign intern recently sent this mail to her [future] colleagues working in my company. Rather amusing read it is.

"Unfortunately, the "undertaking for foreign nationals" is very difficult to interpret for me!

Point 1 of the document is not an undertaking. It is a statement. A statement of something that is obvious: no foreigner can work in India without an employment visa. Full stop.

Point 2 is also obvious: it follows from the conditions on which I am issued the visa. It is also obvious that I have to agree with Indian legal system including immigration-related regulations. Again, I there is nothing to undertake in this as it is not a question IF I agree and undertake or not... I am simply oblidged by law to leave India once I have no legal basis. I cannot convert my employment visa to a tourist visa. It is valid only for the purpose to which it was issued.

Point 3: Of course the company will not be liable for my actions once there will be no legal interconnection between the company and me. How could it be? It is an obvious fact and it is not a question of agreement, undertaking or contracting.

Point 4: Who will tell what is "material" and what is "immaterial"? How could I have caused the company and loss in the PAST??? How do you mean: "...losses suffered by the company both in the past and in the present..."? How about the future? In my understanding, any contract is a legally binding promise on things that will happen AFTER signing. I don't understand how I can undertake for something that has already happened in the past. Anyways: nothing wrong happened in the past. I was not in the position in the past to cause the company any loss.

Point 5: It is not a question IF I fulfill the conditions: I HAVE TO agree to them by Indian law and government regulations. Full stop. No "if" no "but". The "above mentioned conditions" that the document is saying are not "conditions" as they are not a question of agreement. They are either obvious facts or obligations that come from superior legal sources (government regulations). Again it is obvious that you can take legal actions against me if I break a civil contract. Any contracting party has the right to go to court...

In a nutshell, the only thing that I can see black-and-white is that I am financially responsible - "I agree to indemnify the company..." - everything else in this document is very difficult to interpret for me.

Please help me clarify the above mentioned matters!"

Poor sods. Lawyerspeak is indecipherable universally. Be it Americans, Germans or Vogons. Good luck Fraulein.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Mailbox Management

Today a colleague of mine (let's call him Sleepy) was charged to drop an email to the entire 'team' to optimise our electronic communication tool in order to attain synergies so that we can deliver better value add to the client and empower ourselves. During the course of drafting the mail, he asked me to add my two cents - no fuck it I am an Indian - my two rupees to the beautiful parody he had come up with. Together we came up with this baby:

"Hi Team,

As per my discussion with XXX, we need to maintain an organised mail box.

Since our communication is pre-dominantly done via e-mail, it is extremely necessary to be able to track emails related to projects, without expending time and avoiding the search tool.

We are the managers of our own outbox so it is obviously customised to our own convenience. However, here are some pointers which might prove helpful:
  • There is no limit in the number of folders one can create. Make the most of this and store all mails related to a project in one created folder. Use this option intelligently, be judicious and innovative.
  • Store the ‘Sent Items’ in the folder of the related project. We generally tend to overlook our sent mail.
  • Client mails are extremely important. Do not delete any client mail, however irrelevant or trivial it may seem.
  • Block unnecessary mails. Eg: If you do not use the cab service, you can block the daily mails from XXX Transport.
Hope you find this useful.

I can come and test your mailbox management anytime, so stay prepared for an impromptu visit from me.


Feel free to make suggestions to improve our mailbox management.


Remember – Do it “
RIGHT FIRST TIME” and “GET THINGS DONE”. Thanks and regards, Sleepy"
Most of the perversions are Sleepy's brainchildren. I merely spiced things up just a tiny little bit. Muhuhuhuhaahaahaaaa

Sunday, July 29, 2007

oh! oH! OH!


Consider the picture. What do you thing is packaged in this? A sex toy? A condom? Something wilder? Well.... Tada!!

These Chinese people sure know how to market to various market segments simultaneously. Kudos.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Follow up to RIGHT FIRST TIME

This I had to post. After the life changing experience with RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending). The managers at my organisation came up with another blockbuster. GET THINGS DONE! (patent pending here as well). What is this path breaking paradigm? See for yourself. I am too over-awed to be sarcastic right now.

"Hi Team,

This is in continuation to XXX's mail about being RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending). I would like to add another dimension to it which is GET THINGS DONE (patent pending here as well).

I have been noticing this for quite some days now and would like all of you to follow this for each and every task you perform or someone asks you to do.

Be it a simple task like follow-up on a client mail, getting something installed on your PC, getting approvals, please ensure that you take complete ownership of the task and get it done.

Please do not wait for the person who has asked you to do the task to follow up again and again but be proactive and communicate with him/her if you are facing any bottlenecks. If you see any task is not being done properly by the project team/corporate team (IT/Admin/Transport/Finance/HR)/or even the client, please make it a point to raise it with your manager or in an appropriate forum.

This will also reduce the risk of any small issue turning into a potential fire. Be assured that this will help in developing your skill set and people will start looking up to you as a trusted team member.

If you have any queries/suggestions, please feel free to talk to me.

REMEMBER - Do not be reactive be proactive.

Thanks and best regards,
Manager"

And hey pssst... See that punchline? The one about reactive and proactive. Your's truly suggested that. Muhuhuhaahaahaaaaa I feel so like laughing an evil laugh. Damn you micromanagers. May you go to manager's hell.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Lacuna

What have I become,
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know,
Goes away in the end.
You could have it all,
My empire of dirt.
I would let you down,
I will make you hurt.
If I could start again,
A million miles away.
I would keep myself.
I would find a way.


Hurt - By nine inch nails. Not mine. Not mine. Not mine......

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Half-hearted rebels


I was having this conversation with a colleague (sleepy) over a coffee break. The fateful day being a Friday, the casual day at my company, the guy was in his *nearly standard* casuals and I was in my *on protest* formals (to know more about the on protest clothing, read this post and this post). He was telling a story, an office story of course, it went like this:

"Listen to this dude. I was chilling on my seat in the morning. Just then the AVP (assitant vice president of the company we work for) messaged me on my IM. He wanted to see me for some stupid thing and called me to his cabin. So I sort of thought should I tuck my t-shirt in? I said fuck it. Then I thought should I let my ID card dangle around my neck? I said fuck that too. Then I wondered if I should worry about my suede leather shoes (which are not allowed on casual Fridays.. yeah I know). Then I said fuck that too and I went to the AVP just like that"

After this story, once we'd rejoiced over how we stick it to the system, he said something a'la Irvine Welsh or Philip K. Dick. He said, "You know dude, we are like half hearted rebels. We can never do what we really want just fantasize about it and take joy in these puny pseudo-victories". We'd talk about how we are meant for something grander than the routine bullshit. But we know that we'd never amount to anything. Just a footnote in a book of footnotes. We may deny this. We may say that this is negative point of view. We may say that things come to those who work for it. That we are waiting for the right opportunity... the truth is that when we die, the world won't even hear a whisper, our close ones will mourn for a while, our friends might feel a little sad for a while and there might be an anonymous obituary in an anonymous news paper. To quote one of my current favorite authors -

"I resemble that worm which crawls through dust,
Lives in dust, eats dust
Until a passerby's foot crushes it."

PS: I just noticed it. Half a heart looks just like a monkey's arse.

T-Shirts, Busts, Dirty looks

I can't help it. I generally have to read - everything!

Message t-shirts are a rage. It seems everyone has something to say. Or wants to be seen saying something. Now as India is a sexually liberal country where we treat our women with great respect *smirk*, girls too wear message t-shirts. By now you must have guessed what I'm getting at. If you are super slow, then let me say it plain. I can't help but read the messages on the t-shirts the women are wearing and as it happens, the message is located at a strategic location of the female anatomy. As the wearer sees me staring, they draw their own conclusions and give me such absolutely dirty looks! I swear someday I'll get my arse kicked. phbbbt.

Image copyright of whoever holds it. It's not mine!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Bow down before the one you serve


Need I say anything?

Photo courtesy Hindustan Times (10 July)

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Make the pledge

Walmart has launched a site for people to take the pledge to 'not reveal the ending of Harry Potter'. All for the noble cause of revenue fortification. Bah!

To take the pledge go to http://www.makethepledge.net/

Mostly Harmless - 10 July 2007

Govt mulls 'licence fee' on every colour TV
Television viewing could soon be a more expensive affair. The government is considering imposing a recurring annual 'licence fee' of Rs 500 for each colour television set, and Rs 200 for a black & white TV, owned by consumers as a bailout measure for the cash-strapped Prasar Bharati.


What is going on? The return of License Raj? The 500/month is not so much trouble but the potential of run-ins with Babus is scary!

Stray peacock beaten by man



A peacock that roamed into a fast-food restaurant parking lot was attacked by a man who claimed the bird was a vampire, animal-control authorities said.

Elephant beats keeper for late meals
"When Suzi is not fed on time it holds its master's cane in its trunk and starts beating him," an official at the zoo in the city of Lahore said.

Guest finds host's wife, son in freezer
A Belgian man appeared in court on Friday after a woman at his dinner party found the bodies of his wife and stepson in the freezer as she put away the leftovers, prosecutors said.

The woman also alleged that the host was giving her the cold shoulder throughout the party.

After recess, trivial PILs flood SC
The petition wanted India rechristened 'Hindustan', another wanted the Arabian Sea renamed 'Sindhu Sagar' and yet another petitioner read out a self-composed alternative to the national anthem and demanded that 'Jana Gana Mana' be discarded as it was a "eulogy" to British monarch George V.

After protest, mudslinging in Rajkot
Congress, on the other hand, supported Pooja and burnt chief minister Narendra Modi's effigy. They also blamed police for not handling Pooja's case properly. A state-level delegation of the women's wing of Congress visited the city and met Pooja's parents and in-laws on Sunday.

Seriously if the congress could burn Effigies of Modi when their drain pipe is blocked, it would.

Casual remarks on plane land 3 execs in trouble with cops
In the current security scare situation and with Independence Day approaching, they point out no chances can be taken. "It was better to be safe than sorry," an official said.

'Uproar over conversion to Hinduism'
Sharia courts do not allow Muslims to formally renounce Islam, preferring to send apostates to counselling and, ultimately, fining or jailing them if they refuse to desist.

Truly Asia. Hah!

Lalu wants Patna railway station to be world class
The proposed project is to redevelop the station and its surrounding areas into a world class station with superior services for passengers as also superior train operation and maintenance facilities.

Who goes there? Now if Lalu is bent on making Patna station world class, he should make it certain that the colour scheme is maroon and yellow. The colours of pan spit and shit.

Man's smelly feet trigger police raid
German police broke into a darkened apartment fearing they would find a dead body, after neighbors complained of a nasty smell seeping out onto the staircase.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Just like suicide

Most religious beliefs say that a sure fire way to go to hell is to commit suicide. I am not too worried about afterlife as I do not believe in the soul/god/karma school of thought. But if you do, then newsflash sucker! You are going to hell. Muhuhuhuhuhaaahaaahaaaaaaa!

Why you ask? Well suicide is to end one's own life by premeditated intent. That is if a person indulges in an activity that will take his life, the person is committing suicide. Several people, Christians, Muslims, Hindus, blah blah, smoke/drink and then a vast number of people gleefully eat junk food. Now it is an established fact that junkfood/smoking/boozing/enjoying-life-in -general kills. Ergo you are all committing suicide. QED.

Get ready for eternal hellfire! Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!

(I love evil laughter!)

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

The exploding SMPS


Wail! My computer is broken!! I was sitting peacefully listening to songs and checking my mail. Suddenly there was a phutt sound and blam went my SMPS. I suspect my video card is the villain. It's fan had stopped working and it has now probably killed the power supply. This is the second power supply lost in three months. Booooooo. I can't imagine what will happen if one of my hard disks is corrupted. Shudder....

Monday, July 2, 2007

Mostly Harmless - 2 July 2007

This happenes to be the first of my compendium of quirky stories I find during the day at work. Ford Prefect was right with things as stupid as we do, we are mostly harmless...

Randy sniffer dogs get the sack
Two Thai street mutts who became ace sniffer dogs at an airport near the notorious "Golden Triangle" opium-producing region have been fired for urinating on luggage and sexually harassing female passengers.

Florida man's headache mystery solved by a bullet
The wife, April Moylan, fled the emergency room when the bullet was discovered but later told deputies she had accidentally shot her husband as he slept early on Tuesday.

A peck into nightmare
A flock of sparrows has been pecking at Jayraj Shastri and his friends Pankaj Vishrolia and Mahesh since Wednesday. The pecking is so severe that the men can’t go out of their homes and one day the birds even chased the three nearly a kilometre away.

Ranks of freedom fighters swell
The home ministry’s list of the number of persons who are getting the ‘Swatantrata Sainik Samman Pension’ is increasing rather than declining, 60 years after India became independent. In July 2004, the number of freedom fighters who were getting pension was 1,67,873; it increased to 1,68,906 in December. In 2005, it further increased to 1,69,945.

Amarnath shivling melts completely
The shivling forms each year on its own from ice. The main reason for its melting is said to be too many pilgrims inside the cave. Over one lakh people visited the shrine before the yatra had been officially flagged off, many of them carrying cooking gas.

Muggers leave their own pictures behind
Two German teenagers robbed a girl but accidentally left their own pictures behind for police on a discarded mobile phone.

Mayor to print photos to deter prostitution
An Italian town's mayor hopes to shame men into not using prostitutes by photographing cars that pick them up and publishing the details in local newspapers.

Strikers have new gripe--no sex
African workers striking over pay and benefits have a new complaint -- they no longer have the energy for sex.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Down with the old ones

May they die soon.

Let's come to me and get and get healthy


The Chair of Sleep

It is an extremely strange phenomenon. Whenever in office I get an overpowering urge to go to sleep as soon as I sit on my seat. As soon as I'm off the seat, sleep vanishes. Weird huh?

Saturday, June 23, 2007

I am deeply unhappy; I am deeply disturbed

So goes the Infected Mushroom track through my headphone. It might be random but as of right now I have five people online on Gtalk. Observe the status messages:

Me - Fuck you too
Person 1 - Jobless
Person 2 - Forget it I'm numb
Person 3 - Dead
Person 4 - [None]

What strikes me is this. All of us are early 20's. Are we so tired? This may sound like a throwback on an earlier post. If you have a problem with that then as my status message says - Fuck you too.

I'm just see through faded, super jaded out of my mind

Friday, June 22, 2007

RIGHT FIRST TIME (Patent Pending)

This is an inspirational mail from the great leaders of my company. All hail the manager.

"Hi Team:

I would like to introduce a new philosophy for all of us to practice. It's called

RIGHT FIRST TIME

We should follow this philosophy for each and every task we perform, religiously, to the last level of detail. So be it speaking a sentence in a conference call, typing keywords in XXX, writing a sentence in your report, filling an Excel cell, presenting a slide to an audience, adhering to the dress code or timesheet guidelines, ask yourself a simple question, What is the percent of tasks where I am RIGHT the FIRST TIME?

I firmly believe that if you internalize this philosophy (make it part of your value system) and start practising it for every task that you perform, you will see a marked improvement in the quality of your output, your communication, discipline and overall development as an individual. That is because, this forces you to THINK.

Strive to be 100% RIGHT the very FIRST TIME. All the best!!

Do let me know if you have any comments or questions and I will be happy to take them.

Regards,
Giant But-Hed (Senior Manager)"

Now I got this fine piece of sage management advice right before lunch and being a lowly entry level thug in the corporate scene, I was naturally motivated, pumped and awed by the supreme intellect of my superiors. I was filled with a crushing gratitude that the higher management took time from the ultra vital activities that take up most of their brain power (read breathing and keeping their tongues inside their respective mouths) for us mere plebeians. To repay his highness, I vowed that I'll implement the new RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending) philosophy.

Enthused. I walked off towards the mess hall. I was a man with purpose. I was exhilarated. Implementing path breaking paradigms is something you don't get to do every fifth hour. With grim determination, I asked the mess boy to give me the plate. He asked for money and I was prepared. I tendered the right change. I was RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending)! I patted my self on the back. Then took a deep breath. I must not become complacent. Like a hawk, I looked for an empty table and sat down like a sailing cloud. With lightening speed I broke off my first piece of bread..... and stopped short.....

In my brain a thought bloomed. Am I implementing the RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending) paradigm correctly. It is then I saw the error in my ways. I was not asking the question (patent pending). With care, I asked myself... What is the percent of tasks I am doing RIGHT FIRST TIME? Proudly, I confirmed.. I am breathing from my nose and not from my ass (check), My hands are on the plate/spoon/food and not in my nose (check), I am directing the food towards my mouth and not my left earlobe (check).. Relieved I continued eating.

I am proud to tell you gentle reader, by applying the path breaking paradigm, I finished the mountainous task of lunch in four and a half hours. Took a bit longer. But I was RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending)!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

All we hear is Sunita gaga, Sunita googoo


Why? Why is it that we Indians rush to embrace the achievements of any NRI's nay even a person with a tenuous connection with India as ours? Don't we have enough of ur own achievements to boast of? For a billion+ country its a one big fucking shame then!
Consider this. How can a person born, brought up and finally settled in the US, born to an Indian Father and a Slovekian mother be considered Indian? And so Indian that students are making sand sculptures, schools are holding special prayers and thousands of brain-dead idiots are sending SMS texts to news channels saying 'Sunita Bharat Ko Tumpe Garv Hai. Tum Bharat Kee Shaan Ho' (Sunita, India is proud of you. You are the pride of India).
She's not Indian! Fucking reflected glory hounds.

Serial killer

I was watching the news yesterday and was interested in a 'Breaking News' on the Aaj Tak Tez channel. A middle aged woman died of a massive heart attack in Patna, Bihar. Reason - The lead protagonist (Tulsi) of her favorite soap (Kyuki Saas Bhi Bahu Thi) was going to go through a make over (Gautami Kapoor replaces Smriti Irani as Tulsi).

Doesn't the episode shed a new light on the phrase 'Serial Killing'. Another rather hilarious thing attached to the drama was that one of the callers suggested that "I used to watch these serials a few years back. They get too emotional. They should regulate the amount of emotion that can be shown in a soap".... Imagine right after the fourth tear, the screen goes black quoting - "Your tear quota for the day is finished. Please watch some happy serials before you can weep again."

We really need the third world war. Too many humans around. Phbbt....

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Yoda of the corporate jungle

I bow to you o Wally. Master of Shirk.

But according to this article, the enemy is on to us. We must resist the dark side and change tactics...

Slipping into a comma

,

Very recently Rajasthan and pretty much a lot of North India was engulfed in political violence. The Gujjar tribesmen wanted special reservation privileges as the Meena community. Two men died in the violence. How is all this related to a comma? Read on...

At present, my job needs me to scan truckloads of business newspaper to track developments in a certain industry. While scanning I came across this piece of information in the Economic Times. While setting up the reserved category list, the SC/ST Commission decided to give the reserved status to the 'Bhil Meenas', a fringe impoverished community based in remote Rajasthan. However some meticulous bastard typed 'Bhil, Meena' in the reserved list.... Does that make your jaw drop? Heart sink? Brain frazzle? .... Exactly!

Read the full article here: How Meenas got ST status
To read more about contemporary Meena history click here

Sleepy Train and Curls

Those who saw the Analyst comic, well the Analyst gets a face, three in fact. Planning to start a new comic centred around three protagonists - Sleepy, Train and Curls. Here is a preview. Hopefuly will expand to more. Till then.... zzzzzzzwappp.... whezzzamycoffee?




Monday, June 11, 2007

Mondays are over rated

When people talk about the Monday morning blues and the horror of it all, I happen to find it a little too dramatic. I must confess though that I too have indulged in the melodrama from time to time. But I think Monday is not the worst day of the week. It is Wednesday. Wednesday is where you find your will to live drained out of you. A lonely little you right between an ocean of work. To put it in a more fun(tm) way, let's make a little analogy shall we? Let's compare a week with a drinking binge.

Saturday - Party has started.. You are coolly sipping Vodka and lime
Sunday - Party in full swing.. You are bloody high and feel slightly sick with so much alcohol in your system
Monday - Party is over you are on your way to home
Tuesday - You are too drunk and are unfocused and are falling asleep right near the toilet sink where you might throw up
Wednesday - Your brain is five sizes too big. The world is swimming. Your back hurts because of dozing off in a weird angle. You are brutally hungover.
Thursday - You are puking.
Friday - Hangover is nearly out of the system, you are nursing a glass of warm lime water and counting your losses

Repeat.....

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Micromanaged hell


I recieved a most fun mail from my manager a few days back. I couldn't stop laughing for a straight half hour. Being a nice and cheery person I am, I'd like to share this power packed dose of hilarity with you, dear gentle reader.

"Hi Team,

Off-late, I have observed that many of you chat with your friends through IM and desk phone.

Please note that these facilities have been provided ONLY for official use and their usage for personal purposes should be minimized.

In addition, also try to minimize the time spend in taking personal calls on mobile phones.

If any of you have any issues, please feel free to talk to me.

Thanks and regards,
XXX"

I think we'll soon get a mail telling us how not to use the washrooms or the cafeterias or breathe....

"Hi Team,

I have observed that you breathe entirely too much. From now on you are only allowed to gasp and hold your breath. You are allowed only 6 breaths every minute.

If you feel faint or can see a light guiding you to dead relatives, feel free to contact me.

Thanks and best regards,
But-Hed (Manager)"

For more dilbert, click here

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Someone proved a point

Post removed.

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Lackmoooooooooooooo

This is a Lakme beauty salon


This is a cow


This is a cow going to the Lakm(oooo)e beauty salon


Result: The cow is beautiful



This concludes the presentation. Any questions?

PS: only the last photo has been modified.. slightly.. the rest were taken at the Basant Lok market (Priya)..

PPS: This also proves that a fat cow cannot become a thin cow just by going to beauty parlours phbbbbt.

I am 23

and I am already tired...

Friday, May 25, 2007

The catberts in our lives



I dislike the HR function. I honestly feel they are just stupid cost to company politely referred as 'management overheads'. A few days back I recieved a mail from the HR director of my company. Here it is with the pinpointing details missing so that they don't get to sue me.

"Dear All,

Of late, we have noticed that there is an increasing casualness in the way we interact; Hindi is being indiscriminately used. Let’s understand that the business language at XXX is English. At times, teams have been seen cheering/talking loudly, disturbing the other people around. In case, you need to celebrate an event, please walk down to the cafeteria.

Moreover, many employees are not adhering to the dress code, especially on Fridays. People have been seen sporting low-waist jeans, sports shoes, floaters, short skirts, tight T-shirts. Also, ties have often been seen to go missing even on other week days. This is not acceptable. If you have any doubts regarding the dress code, refer to the dress code policy (attached) or check with HR and your Managers.

Till now, we have tried to correct and warn people, but now we would be asking people to go back home if any such instance is observed.

To reiterate, please maintain professional decorum within the office premises.

Look forward to your cooperation!

Best Regards
"

I am so disgusted with the dresscode policy at work that I wear formals everyday. In my opinion, the casuals are too bloody formal. I'd rather not take the pity and mercy from the dense pointless jackasses earning their salary through our blood and sweat.... Gaah. Fuck you HR!!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Professional Living

Hm made a little something to curb the general frustration at work. Comments appreciated.







PS: Several thanks to Dipti. Blog A'la comic is a fantastic idea!!

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Me, me and meeee

Did three more photus.


Out of the box


Coffee head

Flying in a blue dream



My sincerest thanks to the wonderful people at deviant art for the brushes.

PS: I am not obsessed with my face. But I just do not get willing subjects. Feel free to provide your photo for surgery.

PPS: A few days back I promised someone that I'll be posting something really cool. I was not talking about this. Though I do agree this is rather cool too. :D

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Fear and Loathing

"...And that, I think, was the handle - that sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting - on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave...

So now, less than four years later, you can go back to our lives and look in, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high water mark - that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back..."


Like what you just read? I did. The lines are from the Hunter S. Thompson novel "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas". If you are one of those people who liked Trainspotting, Fight Club et al; you should read this. Beautifully demented. Read more here.

Monday, April 30, 2007

The blog of two comments

It appears the comment length fo this blog is two. Perhaps the world is trying to tell me something...

Sunday, April 29, 2007

A perfect circle

Breathing for the first time, I open my eyes and see. The world, or koobabugh as I call it, looks so colourful! Much brighter than the darkness I just came out of. There are these giants also talking in rumbling voices. They all look so funny. I want to touch that black thing on their top. There is so much to see!! But I feel tired. A giant with thin voice has brought me close to it and is gently patting my back. I feel the pressure building in my belly and wind gushes out of my mouth with a loud pop. Mmm what a nice feeling.. I think I'll sleep for a while......

Aggh!! I hate writing. D__ maam made me write two pages of Alphabets. I think I remember A to N now. I had a nice omelet in lunch break today. Then I played catch for our games period. Then I watched TV for a while. TV was so boring today. Nothing new. Pah. I should sleep now. I have school tomorrow....

S__ is so pretty! I think I am in love with her. She is the one. My one true love. Should I tell her? What if she says no? I have to tell her! How should I tell her? Should I give her a card? No I'll give her a call. Yes. I'll call her tomorrow. I hope she says yes...

The results are out. I've done fairly well. I think I'll get admission in a good college. My kid brother is really annoying. Keeps on touching my stuff and breaking things. God I hate kids! Stupid things. They just can't keep their hands to themselves. Stupid sods. If he touches my things again I'll kick his ass!...

I am graduating today. After years of dependence on my parents, I am on the verge of becoming my own man. I hope my job with U___ is fine...

What a day! I just dont know how am I surviving. Sat through another team meeting listening to my stupid boss drone about quality standards and commitment. Pishposh! This job is such a chore I think Its time for a change. The G___ people are offering a higher package. Or should I go for higher studies?...

I became a father today!! Looks just like her mother. She's obsessed with my hair! keeps reaching out for them! We think we'll call her R___....

It's been ten years since maa baba left us. I miss them so much. I am so lost without them. My wife and child look at me for answers. Who do I go to for mine?....

The new joinees at the company are complete nuisance. Absolutely no regard for those with experience. They think we are some relics from some ancient era. The youth today is so materialistic. Always going after the best phone. The best MP3 player. Never a thought for what they are doing. Money is all they care for. Even if it means raping their country and killing their planet. R___ is also getting out of hands. Some boy is after her and she is paying him attention. I am a modern parent. But there is a time and place for everything. She's just too young. I must do something about it....

My doctor tell me the sharp pain i felt in the chest yesterday was because of my high blood pressure. He says I am prone to a lethal stroke if I do not take care. He asked me to cut down upon cigarettes. But what does he know? I am under too much pressure to quit...

R___'s son came to visit us today. Delightful boy. But I wish that he kept away from my precious books. They have taken a lifetime to collect. No grandson's spittle will sully them. I'll have to talk to R____ about that.

I miss my wife. It's been three months and I am all alone. R___ is busy with her life. Why is god making me drag on like this? Why can't I just die?...

My chest hurts.. I cannot breathe.... I....

Open my eyes, I see for the first time. There is so much to see...

Cant Hyde From Me



I liked my hair photo so much that I made this out of it. Damn I'm good!

PS: Like it? Want one done for you? Ask me nicely and I might do it for you.

The broken cab

Our cab broke down last friday. Now if you are aware of the NH-8 traffic, you'd know it's terrible and at 10:15 at night, trucks also join the fray. But all this gave me the opportunity to take photos of fast moving lights. yay! Here is the one i liked the most.


I would also like to thank the cab that broke down and gave me this opportunity. Thank you cab.

Hair and there...

Sunday, April 22, 2007

City lights


Inspired by the Karsh Kale song. If you haven't heard it yet, then you are damning yourself. Grab it before your soul runs out and you are left an empty husk of a person...

Oxford

Also as a part of the below mentioned CP trip, I went to Oxford, a bookstore in Statesman house (Which is becoming worse day by day. People come there to have coffee instead of buying books!). There I took these photus and was rather amused by both.



This is the entire humour section at Oxford. Just this one rack. If you'll open the image, you'll see that there is only Sir P.G. Wodehouse there. Now I do like Wodehouse. But I find it rather hard to digest that he defines the entire genre.

Also this book caught my eye there. I think they are targeting the wrong segment here. If wome one wrote 'The accidental worker', it would sell like hot cakes! Hell! I'd buy one.

Zen and the art of washroom maintenance


I went to CP today and was struck by a notice outside Zen a Chinese food restaurant.



What would they do if someone did use the washroom without being a restaurant guest? They might have Robots in the restaurant loo. A restaurant guest is given a special loo pass. They must present it to the Robot guard. If the person is a trespasser, he might have to go through the following:

First offfence: Firmly pushed out
Second offence: Booted out (Robots are made of metal. Might hurt like bloody hell!)
Third offence: Castration (So if you see a guy clutching his crotch in the CP area, don't eat the Eel at Zen)

PS: I dislike Chinese food immensely so I haven't been to Zen. But I'm quite sure the Robot story is a figment of my imagination. They have a burly mustache wearing guard outside and he's scary enough. But wouldn't the Robot guards have been cool?

Friday, April 20, 2007

Necktie Professionalism

My company is a 'professional services organisation' making me a 'professional' too. The way my company defines a professional is most interesting and unfortunately very widespread. In fact I am assured that their definition of the professional is an 'industrial best practice'.

One such best practice states: ' The professional shalt wear a tie'. We have a gold plated framed version of the carefully reviewed aid to professionalism (CRAP) enshrined in the gents loo. Therefore if you'd ask females of my office, they might not know. But looking at CRAP is a very important part of our day. There are speculations that the Ladies loo might be the home of PISS (primness is suggested strongly). If any honoured colleague is reading this, please confirm. I'll reply most professionally with a mail ending with a heartfelt 'Thanks and best regards'. Anyhow on to neckties.

The Story of Neckties



Chapter I

Lets look at the history of the neckties first. Shih Huang Ti, who died in 210 BC, was a deranged lunatic. He was also the emperor of China. This moron was bloody scared of death so this dude decided to kill his entire 2000 men strong personal body guard and take them on his glorious journey after death. This gentleman wore the first neck tie.

Lesson learnt -> The management is afraid of their professional death. Therefore it wants to kill us and take us with them to disaster and so it forces a neck tie upon us. Avoid getting entangled with corporates. They may suck your soul.

Chapter II

Tie made their next appearance in the 1600s. The Croatian mercenaries wore kerchiefs around their necks. These pointless dangling things were adopted by the nation with a penchant for adopting weird dangling things. France. These were called 'Cravate' the word is believed to be derived from the Turkish 'kyrabacs' or the Hungarian 'korbacs'. Both mean whip.

Lessons learnt -> The tie is the management's symbol of authority. They want us to realise all the time that they hold the whip. Stay away from corporates you may get more than a kick to your butt.

Chapter III

Our world is one of several unresolved questions, such as why is Arundhati Roy such a bitch? Why is the media so incredibly stupid? Why do so many men treat women like shit? Why do so many women accept being treated like shit? Why isn't humanity extinct yet and who the fuck is this god person anyway? (yes I stole it from Adams. Sue me :P)

The unresolved question in focus here is the reason why do the frenchies lead fashion. Because following the douche bags, other European douche bags started emulating thus damning entire generations to a sensless piece of cloth tied around ones neck. What started as a puffed up fool's dementia still remains to be a puffed up fools dementia. The Emperor has now simply been substituted by the CEO.

Conclusion

Neckties are uncomfortable costly dangly pieces of cloth that are the proof of your submission to the whims of your pay-masters. That you must bid as they say at the tug of the leash. Now heel dog heel!

Or would you?