Parteh

Just back from another office 'party'. After spending thousands of rupees, we go to these places to whine about people we do not like to hang out with, drink cheap ass alcohol, eat bad food and watch some really ugly people dance to some really bad music. I have decided now, I am not going to attend any office parties. Fuck this shit.

You can check out any time you like...

OK appraisal time is coming to work, so the management is trying its best to flog us to death (I've been spending insane hours at work lately). A key objectives this time is to get us to do several irrelevant training modules over the company intranet. One of the module had me in splits. The module dealt with better interview techniques and how to find the perfect company fit. Every training session is followed by an online QA session and the expected answers put the bullshit we filled during our college days to shame. Read on babby!






And finally, the best for last. This one tackles a major issue - attrition (though I cannot understand why would this be asked while hiring someone, but well, we all know, those who can't do, manage)

Oh but you can never leave... Muhuhahahahahahahahahaha

Fear and Loathing In Gas Vegas

Today was one freaky day. I woke up feeling like shit today and sort of had a premonition that the rest of the day would be shit too. Well... it kinda was. Must be winters but was sleepy and annoyed the whole day. Anyhow, about the title story, I do not know if I have declared it here, but I recently got promoted and am now an official part of the 'lower' 'middle' 'management'... yes gentle reader, I too am this close to selling my soul. So after the promotion, I am supposed to deal increasingly with the client. Today was another such day and my premonition of shittiness was manifested in the last half hour of Monday.... Sample this conversation that happened via SMS while I was going back home...

Client is in Europe and is 6 hours behind us so 11:00 PM here is 5:00 PM there...

C: Gandalf, can you please give me a call...
Me: Hi Client, I have left for the day. Would it be alright if I follow up tomorrow? If urgent I will try to find alternate means to contact you...
C: That's alright. But you know the end of the world is here. One of your team members sent the research documents to the wrong set of people and basically you are fucked. But never mind we can talk tomorrow.
Me: (Oh my fucking god!!) As far as I know, we sent it to you, client#2 and an internal mailing list...
C: Oh... so do you always send the research docs to internal mailing lists...
Me: Yes Client, we always do.
C: Oh great then have a good day. Cheers...
Me: @#%!##

The end.

Blue Monday... Bah!

The centre seat horror

Hello happy readers. I will bitch about just how bad these past few days have been and the coming several days are looking to be later. The reason I am at my keyboard today is to share one of the little rays of sunshine that keep me sane at work. What follows is a mail to the transport department of my company. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.... If you don't, you deserve the centre seat. Muhuhahahahahahaha!!!

"Hi All,

Please arrange a cab drop for me to ABC Place at XYZ PM Shift tonight (October 08, 2007).

Also please note that everyday my route is scheduled with two ABC Place based girls; however, none of the girls wants to sit at the centre place on the back seat, they only want door side seats. Since, as per the law one guard is also required in the cab and the front seat is occupied by that guard, therefore, it becomes impossible for me to travel in the cab (as obviously I will not sit at the centre between them). From last two days I have been myself re-scheduling my drop on other ABC Place going cabs; however, today there was no space on other cabs. Therefore on reporting in time also I was unable to board the cab and there was no other cab available.

Therefore, it is my sincere request to please change my cab drop schedule. Many Many thanks in advance.

Best regards,

Centreseatphobe"


In other news, Radiohead released their new album online. You heard it right. Online and for free. Well they let you set your own price so poor people like me conveniently put the value to be £0.00. But. If I like it well enough (which I am) I'll probably get it shipped. Radiohead is sweet!!

In even other-er news, Nine Inch Nails is to follow suite. Yayee! Take that RIAA biatches!

The Triangle of Bullshit

I recently got a mail from the higher echelons of management they talked about the triangle of quality. This is what it looks like:
They talked about serious stuff using phrases like MECE(Mutually Exclusive, Collectively Exhaustive - funky shit. I know.) Which is essentially a MBAish way of saying that old grandma's warning - "Don't put all yer eggs in the same basket sonny". The thing is that I would not have been as cheesed off with the mail if it had any real purpose. The real reason this shit was done was because the sender wanted to kiss some ass. Therefore I came up with a new paradigm to empower the knowledge worker. I call it the triangle of bullshit.

Notice the funky, colourful way the information has been presented. You will also note that the word bullshit is in the centre in RED. With such a diagram, I'm sure the paradigm will soon find a place in Wharton text books. Wahahahahaha...

Gaaaaa

It's 2:20 in the night and I am still in the fucking office. I hate working. Fuck fuck fuck!!

Of marriages and whores

I've been working with my company for nearly 10 months now. Yesterday I was told that I am to be a full time equivalent resource (FTR) for a client. now an FTR happenes to be a person who works exclusively for a client. In the outsourcing model, if company X outsources to Y which employes A,B,C,D, the work of Y can be done by any of the A-D. However, in case of an FTR model, if A is an FTR for X, any work that comes from X will be done by A.

When I was told that I am to be an FTR, I was also told that the FTR relationship is like a marriage. Where you are dedicated and there is an exclusivity in the relationship. Now we come to the point of the post. Upon hearing this, I began to wonder, if FTR is a marriage, then is a non FTR relationship is one with a whore? Wow. That sure boosts my morale. Go team!


*Image not mine. If it inspires you to pay, pay the creators... bah!

The (Blame)Game Theory

Oh my god! This was so bloody funny man. Okay here is the story so far - There is this new idiot in our team who has been hired for a 'lower' 'middle' 'management' role. Lets call the person 'lower middle managing idiot' (LMMI). Now LMMI has been throwing her weight around since she joined. Perhaps it was to assert her 'authority' or it might have just resulted from the person's brains being addled by being called a LMMI. Whatever. The following is a superb superb example of the weight throwing and the subsequent 'fuck you' by now super admired Mr Sleepy (At this point might I add that Sleepy, you are not a half hearted rebel anymore brother. You have been upgraded to three-quarter heart rebel from now on!). This conversation was forwarded to me by another colleague. Let's call her 'Mute Spectator' (MS)... Phew! Read already!!

LMMI [2:07 PM]:
Sleepy why wasnt (Bla bla bla) communicated to MS(once i discussed n informed u
of the communication gap between u two)?

Sleepy has been added to the instant message conversation.

LMMI [2:08 PM]:
Sleepy can we have your response please?

MS [2:08 PM]:
its clear now...LMMI

LMMI [2:08 PM]:
MS time is of essence.

Sleepy [2:08 PM]:
MS was not at her seat that time

Sleepy [2:08 PM]:
she had gone for lunch

LMMI [2:08 PM]:
you could have called her up

Sleepy [2:08 PM]:
then i went for lunch

LMMI [2:08 PM]:
or mailed / IMed her

LMMI [2:08 PM]:
so when she comes back she is immediately aware of it

LMMI [2:09 PM]:
we all know the urgency, dont we?

Sleepy [2:09 PM]:
what is the issue i dont understand .. its not held up our work

LMMI [2:09 PM]:
the proposal goes tmrw. the IT team cant progress unless we submit draft
ppt

Sleepy [2:09 PM]:
non of us were sitting idle rite

LMMI [2:09 PM]:
MS sud have ideally finished the template had the miscomm been not
there

LMMI [2:10 PM]:
Sleepy, you will not be rude.

Sleepy [2:10 PM]:
where am i being rude

LMMI [2:10 PM]:
by refuting and accepting your mistake

Sleepy [2:10 PM]:
wht is my msitake .. ?

LMMI [2:10 PM]:
and instead trying to argue (not sitting ideal)?

Sleepy [2:11 PM]:
its not like anyone duplicated efforts

LMMI [2:11 PM]:
Sleepy none of us is ideal

LMMI [2:11 PM]:
you dont get it still.

LMMI [2:11 PM]:
the template is far from quality output

LMMI [2:11 PM]:
so are the charts

LMMI [2:11 PM]:
if you guys dont gear up, i will have to work on them myself!

LMMI [2:11 PM]:
and i expect the best from you two!

LMMI [2:12 PM]:
i understand that you need training and hence i have given a lot of time
already

LMMI [2:12 PM]:
but, either you give me high quality output or else i will work on it
myself

LMMI [2:13 PM]:
its been 36 + 5 hours.! just for template and charts

LMMI [2:13 PM]:
you tell me should we be spending so much time on them?

LMMI [2:13 PM]:
cant we be more efficient, i ask you?

Sleepy [2:14 PM]:
of course we can .. we got feedback form ashish yesterday and we made
the new template so fast

LMMI [2:14 PM]:
going forward, i want a daily update(in mail form) from both of you
everyday, before you leave.

LMMI [2:14 PM]:
yes that effort was good!

LMMI [2:14 PM]:
but the initial hours lost. almost 30 prior to it. was not acceptable

LMMI [2:15 PM]:
i trust you both to ensure there is no communication gap betwen you two

LMMI [2:15 PM]:
if i communicate something to 1 and ask her/him to communicate it to
other, it should be done asap

Sleepy [2:15 PM]:
i hope u urealise that the communciation has not made us lose time

LMMI [2:15 PM]:
i only resort to trusting, when i myself am running real short of time

LMMI [2:16 PM]:
Sleepy, the issue is not whether or not this time we lost something. but
the error is there

LMMI [2:16 PM]:
and i want you to take up that responsibility. rather than shirking it
off

LMMI [2:16 PM]:
unless we realise our errors and own them, we cant improvise.

Sleepy [2:16 PM]:
i am not shirking it off ..

LMMI [2:16 PM]:
the point is no such comm gap will be acceptable going forward

LMMI [2:17 PM]:
and yes, MS has lost time. coz had she been informed on time, she
cud have devoted time to it

LMMI [2:17 PM]:
now the meeting happens soon

Sleepy [2:17 PM]:
she has other things to do also

Sleepy [2:17 PM]:
she s completing taht and then she was going to spend time on the
template

LMMI [2:17 PM]:
like what?

LMMI [2:17 PM]:
Sleepy

LMMI [2:17 PM]:
tell me

Sleepy [2:17 PM]:
its not like she put time on the templatte ..

LMMI [2:18 PM]:
she was thru with charts.

LMMI [2:18 PM]:
had she known she cud have devoted time to template

Sleepy [2:18 PM]:
the charts and then the comparison template

LMMI [2:18 PM]:
that critical time is lost

Sleepy [2:18 PM]:
so are you saying MS was sitting idle .. ?

LMMI [2:18 PM]:
Sleepy i am not losing more time over this.

Sleepy [2:18 PM]:
neither am i

LMMI [2:18 PM]:
there are imp things to be done

LMMI [2:18 PM]:
rather than arguing just ensure the comm gap doenst happen

LMMI [2:19 PM]:
it has happened in past also

LMMI [2:19 PM]:
thankyou both of you for your time now

LMMI [2:19 PM]:
go ahead and get going with ur work now!

LMMI [2:19 PM]:
all the best! and i want the best from u

LMMI [2:44 PM]:
Sleepy... its 2 hrs! i was expecting draft in 90min

LMMI [2:44 PM]:
when can u send it?

LMMI [2:45 PM]:
ok i got it

Sleepy [2:45 PM]:
jus go throug your mailbox before ..

LMMI [2:46 PM]:
before what Sleepy?

LMMI [2:47 PM]:
i dont see any need for being unnecessarily rude

Sleepy [2:47 PM]:
I am not being rude ... your first statement was not polite

LMMI [2:47 PM]:
yes you are being rude.

LMMI [2:48 PM]:
i've overlooked it in the past.

LMMI [2:48 PM]:
please ensure it doesnt repeat

*An early impression of the battle of bullshit by Gandalf

Passage to India

A prospective foreign intern recently sent this mail to her [future] colleagues working in my company. Rather amusing read it is.

"Unfortunately, the "undertaking for foreign nationals" is very difficult to interpret for me!

Point 1 of the document is not an undertaking. It is a statement. A statement of something that is obvious: no foreigner can work in India without an employment visa. Full stop.

Point 2 is also obvious: it follows from the conditions on which I am issued the visa. It is also obvious that I have to agree with Indian legal system including immigration-related regulations. Again, I there is nothing to undertake in this as it is not a question IF I agree and undertake or not... I am simply oblidged by law to leave India once I have no legal basis. I cannot convert my employment visa to a tourist visa. It is valid only for the purpose to which it was issued.

Point 3: Of course the company will not be liable for my actions once there will be no legal interconnection between the company and me. How could it be? It is an obvious fact and it is not a question of agreement, undertaking or contracting.

Point 4: Who will tell what is "material" and what is "immaterial"? How could I have caused the company and loss in the PAST??? How do you mean: "...losses suffered by the company both in the past and in the present..."? How about the future? In my understanding, any contract is a legally binding promise on things that will happen AFTER signing. I don't understand how I can undertake for something that has already happened in the past. Anyways: nothing wrong happened in the past. I was not in the position in the past to cause the company any loss.

Point 5: It is not a question IF I fulfill the conditions: I HAVE TO agree to them by Indian law and government regulations. Full stop. No "if" no "but". The "above mentioned conditions" that the document is saying are not "conditions" as they are not a question of agreement. They are either obvious facts or obligations that come from superior legal sources (government regulations). Again it is obvious that you can take legal actions against me if I break a civil contract. Any contracting party has the right to go to court...

In a nutshell, the only thing that I can see black-and-white is that I am financially responsible - "I agree to indemnify the company..." - everything else in this document is very difficult to interpret for me.

Please help me clarify the above mentioned matters!"

Poor sods. Lawyerspeak is indecipherable universally. Be it Americans, Germans or Vogons. Good luck Fraulein.

Mailbox Management

Today a colleague of mine (let's call him Sleepy) was charged to drop an email to the entire 'team' to optimise our electronic communication tool in order to attain synergies so that we can deliver better value add to the client and empower ourselves. During the course of drafting the mail, he asked me to add my two cents - no fuck it I am an Indian - my two rupees to the beautiful parody he had come up with. Together we came up with this baby:

"Hi Team,

As per my discussion with XXX, we need to maintain an organised mail box.

Since our communication is pre-dominantly done via e-mail, it is extremely necessary to be able to track emails related to projects, without expending time and avoiding the search tool.

We are the managers of our own outbox so it is obviously customised to our own convenience. However, here are some pointers which might prove helpful:

• There is no limit in the number of folders one can create. Make the most of this and store all mails related to a project in one created folder. Use this option intelligently, be judicious and innovative.
• Store the ‘Sent Items’ in the folder of the related project. We generally tend to overlook our sent mail.
• Client mails are extremely important. Do not delete any client mail, however irrelevant or trivial it may seem.
• Block unnecessary mails. Eg: If you do not use the cab service, you can block the daily mails from XXX Transport.

Hope you find this useful.

I can come and test your mailbox management anytime, so stay prepared for an impromptu visit from me.

Feel free to make suggestions to improve our mailbox management.

Remember – Do it “RIGHT FIRST TIME” and “GET THINGS DONE”. Thanks and regards, Sleepy"
Most of the perversions are Sleepy's brainchildren. I merely spiced things up just a tiny little bit. Muhuhuhuhaahaahaaaa

Follow up to RIGHT FIRST TIME

This I had to post. After the life changing experience with RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending). The managers at my organisation came up with another blockbuster. GET THINGS DONE! (patent pending here as well). What is this path breaking paradigm? See for yourself. I am too over-awed to be sarcastic right now.

"Hi Team,

This is in continuation to XXX's mail about being RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending). I would like to add another dimension to it which is GET THINGS DONE (patent pending here as well).

I have been noticing this for quite some days now and would like all of you to follow this for each and every task you perform or someone asks you to do.

Be it a simple task like follow-up on a client mail, getting something installed on your PC, getting approvals, please ensure that you take complete ownership of the task and get it done.

Please do not wait for the person who has asked you to do the task to follow up again and again but be proactive and communicate with him/her if you are facing any bottlenecks. If you see any task is not being done properly by the project team/corporate team (IT/Admin/Transport/Finance/HR)/or even the client, please make it a point to raise it with your manager or in an appropriate forum.

This will also reduce the risk of any small issue turning into a potential fire. Be assured that this will help in developing your skill set and people will start looking up to you as a trusted team member.

If you have any queries/suggestions, please feel free to talk to me.

REMEMBER - Do not be reactive be proactive.

Thanks and best regards,
Manager"

And hey pssst... See that punchline? The one about reactive and proactive. Your's truly suggested that. Muhuhuhaahaahaaaaa I feel so like laughing an evil laugh. Damn you micromanagers. May you go to manager's hell.

Half-hearted rebels

I was having this conversation with a colleague (sleepy) over a coffee break. The fateful day being a Friday, the casual day at my company, the guy was in his *nearly standard* casuals and I was in my *on protest* formals (to know more about the on protest clothing, read this post and this post). He was telling a story, an office story of course, it went like this:

"Listen to this dude. I was chilling on my seat in the morning. Just then the AVP (assitant vice president of the company we work for) messaged me on my IM. He wanted to see me for some stupid thing and called me to his cabin. So I sort of thought should I tuck my t-shirt in? I said fuck it. Then I thought should I let my ID card dangle around my neck? I said fuck that too. Then I wondered if I should worry about my suede leather shoes (which are not allowed on casual Fridays.. yeah I know). Then I said fuck that too and I went to the AVP just like that"

After this story, once we'd rejoiced over how we stick it to the system, he said something a'la Irvine Welsh or Philip K. Dick. He said, "You know dude, we are like half hearted rebels. We can never do what we really want just fantasize about it and take joy in these puny pseudo-victories". We'd talk about how we are meant for something grander than the routine bullshit. But we know that we'd never amount to anything. Just a footnote in a book of footnotes. We may deny this. We may say that this is negative point of view. We may say that things come to those who work for it. That we are waiting for the right opportunity... the truth is that when we die, the world won't even hear a whisper, our close ones will mourn for a while, our friends might feel a little sad for a while and there might be an anonymous obituary in an anonymous news paper. To quote one of my current favorite authors -

"I resemble that worm which crawls through dust,
Lives in dust, eats dust
Until a passerby's foot crushes it."

PS: I just noticed it. Half a heart looks just like a monkey's arse.

RIGHT FIRST TIME (Patent Pending)

This is an inspirational mail from the great leaders of my company. All hail the manager.

"Hi Team:

I would like to introduce a new philosophy for all of us to practice. It's called

RIGHT FIRST TIME

We should follow this philosophy for each and every task we perform, religiously, to the last level of detail. So be it speaking a sentence in a conference call, typing keywords in XXX, writing a sentence in your report, filling an Excel cell, presenting a slide to an audience, adhering to the dress code or timesheet guidelines, ask yourself a simple question, What is the percent of tasks where I am RIGHT the FIRST TIME?

I firmly believe that if you internalize this philosophy (make it part of your value system) and start practising it for every task that you perform, you will see a marked improvement in the quality of your output, your communication, discipline and overall development as an individual. That is because, this forces you to THINK.

Strive to be 100% RIGHT the very FIRST TIME. All the best!!

Do let me know if you have any comments or questions and I will be happy to take them.

Regards,
Giant But-Hed (Senior Manager)"

Now I got this fine piece of sage management advice right before lunch and being a lowly entry level thug in the corporate scene, I was naturally motivated, pumped and awed by the supreme intellect of my superiors. I was filled with a crushing gratitude that the higher management took time from the ultra vital activities that take up most of their brain power (read breathing and keeping their tongues inside their respective mouths) for us mere plebeians. To repay his highness, I vowed that I'll implement the new RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending) philosophy.

Enthused. I walked off towards the mess hall. I was a man with purpose. I was exhilarated. Implementing path breaking paradigms is something you don't get to do every fifth hour. With grim determination, I asked the mess boy to give me the plate. He asked for money and I was prepared. I tendered the right change. I was RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending)! I patted my self on the back. Then took a deep breath. I must not become complacent. Like a hawk, I looked for an empty table and sat down like a sailing cloud. With lightening speed I broke off my first piece of bread..... and stopped short.....

In my brain a thought bloomed. Am I implementing the RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending) paradigm correctly. It is then I saw the error in my ways. I was not asking the question (patent pending). With care, I asked myself... What is the percent of tasks I am doing RIGHT FIRST TIME? Proudly, I confirmed.. I am breathing from my nose and not from my ass (check), My hands are on the plate/spoon/food and not in my nose (check), I am directing the food towards my mouth and not my left earlobe (check).. Relieved I continued eating.

I am proud to tell you gentle reader, by applying the path breaking paradigm, I finished the mountainous task of lunch in four and a half hours. Took a bit longer. But I was RIGHT FIRST TIME (patent pending)!

Yoda of the corporate jungle

I bow to you o Wally. Master of Shirk.

But according to this article, the enemy is on to us. We must resist the dark side and change tactics...

Mondays are over rated

When people talk about the Monday morning blues and the horror of it all, I happen to find it a little too dramatic. I must confess though that I too have indulged in the melodrama from time to time. But I think Monday is not the worst day of the week. It is Wednesday. Wednesday is where you find your will to live drained out of you. A lonely little you right between an ocean of work. To put it in a more fun(tm) way, let's make a little analogy shall we? Let's compare a week with a drinking binge.

Saturday - Party has started.. You are coolly sipping Vodka and lime
Sunday - Party in full swing.. You are bloody high and feel slightly sick with so much alcohol in your system
Monday - Party is over you are on your way to home
Tuesday - You are too drunk and are unfocused and are falling asleep right near the toilet sink where you might throw up
Wednesday - Your brain is five sizes too big. The world is swimming. Your back hurts because of dozing off in a weird angle. You are brutally hungover.
Thursday - You are puking.
Friday - Hangover is nearly out of the system, you are nursing a glass of warm lime water and counting your losses

Repeat.....

Micromanaged hell

I recieved a most fun mail from my manager a few days back. I couldn't stop laughing for a straight half hour. Being a nice and cheery person I am, I'd like to share this power packed dose of hilarity with you, dear gentle reader.

"Hi Team,

Off-late, I have observed that many of you chat with your friends through IM and desk phone.

Please note that these facilities have been provided ONLY for official use and their usage for personal purposes should be minimized.

In addition, also try to minimize the time spend in taking personal calls on mobile phones.

If any of you have any issues, please feel free to talk to me.

Thanks and regards,
XXX"

I think we'll soon get a mail telling us how not to use the washrooms or the cafeterias or breathe....

"Hi Team,

I have observed that you breathe entirely too much. From now on you are only allowed to gasp and hold your breath. You are allowed only 6 breaths every minute.

If you feel faint or can see a light guiding you to dead relatives, feel free to contact me.

Thanks and best regards,
But-Hed (Manager)"

For more dilbert, click here

The catberts in our lives

I dislike the HR function. I honestly feel they are just stupid cost to company politely referred as 'management overheads'. A few days back I recieved a mail from the HR director of my company. Here it is with the pinpointing details missing so that they don't get to sue me.

"Dear All,

Of late, we have noticed that there is an increasing casualness in the way we interact; Hindi is being indiscriminately used. Let’s understand that the business language at XXX is English. At times, teams have been seen cheering/talking loudly, disturbing the other people around. In case, you need to celebrate an event, please walk down to the cafeteria.

Moreover, many employees are not adhering to the dress code, especially on Fridays. People have been seen sporting low-waist jeans, sports shoes, floaters, short skirts, tight T-shirts. Also, ties have often been seen to go missing even on other week days. This is not acceptable. If you have any doubts regarding the dress code, refer to the dress code policy (attached) or check with HR and your Managers.

Till now, we have tried to correct and warn people, but now we would be asking people to go back home if any such instance is observed.

To reiterate, please maintain professional decorum within the office premises.

Look forward to your cooperation!

Best Regards"

I am so disgusted with the dresscode policy at work that I wear formals everyday. In my opinion, the casuals are too bloody formal. I'd rather not take the pity and mercy from the dense pointless jackasses earning their salary through our blood and sweat.... Gaah. Fuck you HR!!

The broken cab

Our cab broke down last friday. Now if you are aware of the NH-8 traffic, you'd know it's terrible and at 10:15 at night, trucks also join the fray. But all this gave me the opportunity to take photos of fast moving lights. yay! Here is the one i liked the most.


I would also like to thank the cab that broke down and gave me this opportunity. Thank you cab.

Necktie Professionalism

My company is a 'professional services organisation' making me a 'professional' too. The way my company defines a professional is most interesting and unfortunately very widespread. In fact I am assured that their definition of the professional is an 'industrial best practice'.

One such best practice states: ' The professional shalt wear a tie'. We have a gold plated framed version of the carefully reviewed aid to professionalism (CRAP) enshrined in the gents loo. Therefore if you'd ask females of my office, they might not know. But looking at CRAP is a very important part of our day. There are speculations that the Ladies loo might be the home of PISS (primness is suggested strongly). If any honoured colleague is reading this, please confirm. I'll reply most professionally with a mail ending with a heartfelt 'Thanks and best regards'. Anyhow on to neckties.

The Story of Neckties



Chapter I

Lets look at the history of the neckties first. Shih Huang Ti, who died in 210 BC, was a deranged lunatic. He was also the emperor of China. This moron was bloody scared of death so this dude decided to kill his entire 2000 men strong personal body guard and take them on his glorious journey after death. This gentleman wore the first neck tie.

Lesson learnt -> The management is afraid of their professional death. Therefore it wants to kill us and take us with them to disaster and so it forces a neck tie upon us. Avoid getting entangled with corporates. They may suck your soul.

Chapter II

Tie made their next appearance in the 1600s. The Croatian mercenaries wore kerchiefs around their necks. These pointless dangling things were adopted by the nation with a penchant for adopting weird dangling things. France. These were called 'Cravate' the word is believed to be derived from the Turkish 'kyrabacs' or the Hungarian 'korbacs'. Both mean whip.

Lessons learnt -> The tie is the management's symbol of authority. They want us to realise all the time that they hold the whip. Stay away from corporates you may get more than a kick to your butt.

Chapter III

Our world is one of several unresolved questions, such as why is Arundhati Roy such a bitch? Why is the media so incredibly stupid? Why do so many men treat women like shit? Why do so many women accept being treated like shit? Why isn't humanity extinct yet and who the fuck is this god person anyway? (yes I stole it from Adams. Sue me :P)

The unresolved question in focus here is the reason why do the frenchies lead fashion. Because following the douche bags, other European douche bags started emulating thus damning entire generations to a sensless piece of cloth tied around ones neck. What started as a puffed up fool's dementia still remains to be a puffed up fools dementia. The Emperor has now simply been substituted by the CEO.

Conclusion

Neckties are uncomfortable costly dangly pieces of cloth that are the proof of your submission to the whims of your pay-masters. That you must bid as they say at the tug of the leash. Now heel dog heel!

Or would you?

Processing our lives..

Today's Dilbert featured the following situation:










Sounds familiar?