The blog of two comments

It appears the comment length fo this blog is two. Perhaps the world is trying to tell me something...

A perfect circle

Breathing for the first time, I open my eyes and see. The world, or koobabugh as I call it, looks so colourful! Much brighter than the darkness I just came out of. There are these giants also talking in rumbling voices. They all look so funny. I want to touch that black thing on their top. There is so much to see!! But I feel tired. A giant with thin voice has brought me close to it and is gently patting my back. I feel the pressure building in my belly and wind gushes out of my mouth with a loud pop. Mmm what a nice feeling.. I think I'll sleep for a while......

Aggh!! I hate writing. D__ maam made me write two pages of Alphabets. I think I remember A to N now. I had a nice omelet in lunch break today. Then I played catch for our games period. Then I watched TV for a while. TV was so boring today. Nothing new. Pah. I should sleep now. I have school tomorrow....

S__ is so pretty! I think I am in love with her. She is the one. My one true love. Should I tell her? What if she says no? I have to tell her! How should I tell her? Should I give her a card? No I'll give her a call. Yes. I'll call her tomorrow. I hope she says yes...

The results are out. I've done fairly well. I think I'll get admission in a good college. My kid brother is really annoying. Keeps on touching my stuff and breaking things. God I hate kids! Stupid things. They just can't keep their hands to themselves. Stupid sods. If he touches my things again I'll kick his ass!...

I am graduating today. After years of dependence on my parents, I am on the verge of becoming my own man. I hope my job with U___ is fine...

What a day! I just dont know how am I surviving. Sat through another team meeting listening to my stupid boss drone about quality standards and commitment. Pishposh! This job is such a chore I think Its time for a change. The G___ people are offering a higher package. Or should I go for higher studies?...

I became a father today!! Looks just like her mother. She's obsessed with my hair! keeps reaching out for them! We think we'll call her R___....

It's been ten years since maa baba left us. I miss them so much. I am so lost without them. My wife and child look at me for answers. Who do I go to for mine?....

The new joinees at the company are complete nuisance. Absolutely no regard for those with experience. They think we are some relics from some ancient era. The youth today is so materialistic. Always going after the best phone. The best MP3 player. Never a thought for what they are doing. Money is all they care for. Even if it means raping their country and killing their planet. R___ is also getting out of hands. Some boy is after her and she is paying him attention. I am a modern parent. But there is a time and place for everything. She's just too young. I must do something about it....

My doctor tell me the sharp pain i felt in the chest yesterday was because of my high blood pressure. He says I am prone to a lethal stroke if I do not take care. He asked me to cut down upon cigarettes. But what does he know? I am under too much pressure to quit...

R___'s son came to visit us today. Delightful boy. But I wish that he kept away from my precious books. They have taken a lifetime to collect. No grandson's spittle will sully them. I'll have to talk to R____ about that.

I miss my wife. It's been three months and I am all alone. R___ is busy with her life. Why is god making me drag on like this? Why can't I just die?...

My chest hurts.. I cannot breathe.... I....

Open my eyes, I see for the first time. There is so much to see...

Cant Hyde From Me

I liked my hair photo so much that I made this out of it. Damn I'm good!

PS: Like it? Want one done for you? Ask me nicely and I might do it for you.

The broken cab

Our cab broke down last friday. Now if you are aware of the NH-8 traffic, you'd know it's terrible and at 10:15 at night, trucks also join the fray. But all this gave me the opportunity to take photos of fast moving lights. yay! Here is the one i liked the most.


I would also like to thank the cab that broke down and gave me this opportunity. Thank you cab.

Hair and there...

City lights

Inspired by the Karsh Kale song. If you haven't heard it yet, then you are damning yourself. Grab it before your soul runs out and you are left an empty husk of a person...

Oxford

Also as a part of the below mentioned CP trip, I went to Oxford, a bookstore in Statesman house (Which is becoming worse day by day. People come there to have coffee instead of buying books!). There I took these photus and was rather amused by both.



This is the entire humour section at Oxford. Just this one rack. If you'll open the image, you'll see that there is only Sir P.G. Wodehouse there. Now I do like Wodehouse. But I find it rather hard to digest that he defines the entire genre.

Also this book caught my eye there. I think they are targeting the wrong segment here. If wome one wrote 'The accidental worker', it would sell like hot cakes! Hell! I'd buy one.

Zen and the art of washroom maintenance

I went to CP today and was struck by a notice outside Zen a Chinese food restaurant.



What would they do if someone did use the washroom without being a restaurant guest? They might have Robots in the restaurant loo. A restaurant guest is given a special loo pass. They must present it to the Robot guard. If the person is a trespasser, he might have to go through the following:

First offfence: Firmly pushed out
Second offence: Booted out (Robots are made of metal. Might hurt like bloody hell!)
Third offence: Castration (So if you see a guy clutching his crotch in the CP area, don't eat the Eel at Zen)

PS: I dislike Chinese food immensely so I haven't been to Zen. But I'm quite sure the Robot story is a figment of my imagination. They have a burly mustache wearing guard outside and he's scary enough. But wouldn't the Robot guards have been cool?

Necktie Professionalism

My company is a 'professional services organisation' making me a 'professional' too. The way my company defines a professional is most interesting and unfortunately very widespread. In fact I am assured that their definition of the professional is an 'industrial best practice'.

One such best practice states: ' The professional shalt wear a tie'. We have a gold plated framed version of the carefully reviewed aid to professionalism (CRAP) enshrined in the gents loo. Therefore if you'd ask females of my office, they might not know. But looking at CRAP is a very important part of our day. There are speculations that the Ladies loo might be the home of PISS (primness is suggested strongly). If any honoured colleague is reading this, please confirm. I'll reply most professionally with a mail ending with a heartfelt 'Thanks and best regards'. Anyhow on to neckties.

The Story of Neckties



Chapter I

Lets look at the history of the neckties first. Shih Huang Ti, who died in 210 BC, was a deranged lunatic. He was also the emperor of China. This moron was bloody scared of death so this dude decided to kill his entire 2000 men strong personal body guard and take them on his glorious journey after death. This gentleman wore the first neck tie.

Lesson learnt -> The management is afraid of their professional death. Therefore it wants to kill us and take us with them to disaster and so it forces a neck tie upon us. Avoid getting entangled with corporates. They may suck your soul.

Chapter II

Tie made their next appearance in the 1600s. The Croatian mercenaries wore kerchiefs around their necks. These pointless dangling things were adopted by the nation with a penchant for adopting weird dangling things. France. These were called 'Cravate' the word is believed to be derived from the Turkish 'kyrabacs' or the Hungarian 'korbacs'. Both mean whip.

Lessons learnt -> The tie is the management's symbol of authority. They want us to realise all the time that they hold the whip. Stay away from corporates you may get more than a kick to your butt.

Chapter III

Our world is one of several unresolved questions, such as why is Arundhati Roy such a bitch? Why is the media so incredibly stupid? Why do so many men treat women like shit? Why do so many women accept being treated like shit? Why isn't humanity extinct yet and who the fuck is this god person anyway? (yes I stole it from Adams. Sue me :P)

The unresolved question in focus here is the reason why do the frenchies lead fashion. Because following the douche bags, other European douche bags started emulating thus damning entire generations to a sensless piece of cloth tied around ones neck. What started as a puffed up fool's dementia still remains to be a puffed up fools dementia. The Emperor has now simply been substituted by the CEO.

Conclusion

Neckties are uncomfortable costly dangly pieces of cloth that are the proof of your submission to the whims of your pay-masters. That you must bid as they say at the tug of the leash. Now heel dog heel!

Or would you?

Charity and Infosys

During a random google trolling, I came across this link. Love this guy. Mixes cynicism with facts. Bravo!

Addendum to the mandatory cricket post

I just noticed it. The guy who says "Agla world cup hum laayenge" (We'll get the next worldcup), looks a lot like Sachin. We just never learn or is it Pepsi's even more pathetic attempt to flog the proverbial dead horse?

PS: To the rabid Sachin supporters: Yes I did call Sachin a dead horse. Offended? Fuck you too.

Infatuation

Is one of the worst afflictions you can suffer from. Makes a jackass out of a sane man. Makes one wonder really. We aren't nothing more than a bundle of muscle stimulated by a bunch of chemicals. Phbbt!

"With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
But theres nothing in it
And youll ask yourself

Where is my mind ?"

- Where is my mind, The Pixies

Processing our lives..

Today's Dilbert featured the following situation:










Sounds familiar?

The mandatory worldcup post

I am an Indian. That means that I should at least feign an interest in cricket to get acceptance in several social situations. Now we Indians are an opinionated lot. We have an opinion on everything. Religion, arts, dresses, population and yes cricket too. To show my Indianness I shall give my sarcastic and witty comments on the recent world cup debacle. If you are interested in what happened during the event, simply google 'India worldcup' you'll get plenty of juice. The worldcup debacle I am talking about is the one the poor marketing guys at Pepsi had. Rumors say that Pepsi lost INR 350 crore on this ad campaign. To save faces and to at the stocks of their 'limited edition' Pepsi gold (which tastes horrible but looks really cool. Poor man's champagne it is!) they came out with a pathetic new ad that is being aggressively promoted. Almost as pathetic as the one where Sourav Ganguly is begging for a place in the team by saying 'hoo haa India' in a most annoying fashion.

Watch Sourav groveling here:

Watch the Pepsi weeping tears of blood... erm... gold:

Quantifying the unquantifiable

I subscribe to Dilbert on my google web page (god bless those guys!) on a recent strip, I saw the pointy haired boss ordering Asok to quantify the soft pudgy things their department was doing. The war cry being 'Quantify the unquantifiable'. This strip did not meet the general standards of hilarity that Dilbert has but this became specially amusing when later in the afternoon, I attended a session on a 'mathematical' modeling technique called AHP - Analytical Hierarchy Process. This was invented by some hotshot analyst (read a guy who got really lucky in selling his set of bullshit and point of views and prejudices) . This is supposed to be a really advanced technique to compare things that are hard to compare. For more details click here.

For a broad overview, you do the following:

Step 1: Define the scale of rating. The scale should be in an arithmatic progression.
Step 2: Define the parameters on which the comparisons are to be made.
Step 3: Mark the parameters relatively according to the scale decided in step one. (eg: P1 vs P2, P1 vs P3, P2 vs P3 .... )
Step 4: Now add all the column elements and normalize the matrix by dividing every column element by the column sum.
Step 5: Find the row averages of the matrix obtained above. These are the final weights.
Step 6: Finally rate the comparables on the parameters decided according to another scale (I used a 1-5 scale. This could be anything you like as long as in progression. This scale is not the same as the first one)
Step 7: Multiply each parameter rating to its calculated weight and finally find the total score for the comparables.
Step 8: Pat yourself on the back. You have just finished your first simple AHP model.

To put this amazingly complex sounding technique, I decided to compare five metal bands. The detailed analysis is listed below. Click on the pictures for a full view.

Defining the scale:

Rating Meaning
1 - Row objective is the same as column objective
2 - Row objective is a little more important than the column objective
3 - Row objective is moderately more important than the column objective
4 - Row objective is strongly more important than the column objective
5 - Row objective is absolutely more important than the column objective


Bands under review:

Children of Bodom




Cradle of Filth




Cryptopsy






Morbid Angel










Cannibal Corpse








Parameters under review:

1) Projection of death as a theme
2) Mention of hell/satan/angles
3) Mention of pain
4) Logo coolness quotient
5) Logo unreadability

Analysis:



Final Results:



So it is quite clear. With a score of 13.65, cradle of filth is the best metchul band. Now you know which black T-Shirt to buy. It's mathematically proven!!

Hand Job

For no reason at all, today I recalled a certain Robin Cook book I read a long while back. The book was called Abduction. The part which I'm talking about was how the Atlanteans.. Well let me give you a brief overview first. This bunch of scientists from a marine oil company find Atlantis and go there some how. Now back to the story. In the book, Atlanteans had a most peculiar way of having sex. They coated their palms with some jelly and touch it with their 'mate'. Talk about revolutionising the concept of a hand job. Imagine is some one was to masturbate, what would he/she do? Coat the jelly on both palms and rub them together. Yuck! Fuck you Robin Cook. You suck! (Wow three rhyming words... Yuck Fuck Suck....Wheeee)

The Eye of The World

One of my favorite haunts. If the gods were to look upon us, I'm sure this would be an access point.

PS: Open the full image by clicking on it. Scroll up and down rapidly to enjoy a mild vertigo. I am providing you with Web 2.0 now. Wheeeeee!

Uno Hundredo

According to the nice little counter at the bottom, this blog officially has 100 page views. Even though you cannot see it, I am now raising the mouse and muttering while looking heavenwards. I would like to thank my father, my mother, Douglas Adams, my friends and the super intelligent shades of the colour blue for this amazing achievement.

Tantra

Bought a new T-Shirt. Wish I had it during the Anti-reservation rallies.

PS: Are you offended? Fuck you!

Kaun jayega dilli kii galian chodd ke....

I believe Ghalib said so. For any unfortunate non-hindi speaker this translates to "Who would leave the lanes of Delhi?". Delhi is special. I grew up here I went to college here and I love it here. Horrible summers, nasty jaats and a rabidly hypocritical punjabbi culture included. All these little.. erm well not so little come to think of it but anyhow. All these (not-so) little things make it what it is. What brought on this weird sense of admission you ask? I'll tell you. After all that's why I typed the rhetoric!

It was my father's and a cousin's birthday today so we went to CP today to celebrate. There we roamed around till 8 in the evening then settled down in one of the many coffee bars for a nice cup of overpriced coffee. From there we went to UCH for dinner and had a splendid meal. A most enjoyable evening. But nothing that should have moved me as much as it did. So I started thinking. What is it? After a while of solid thinking and a plate of penne in arrabiata, I finally zeroed in on the reason. Perhas because of the large group with me, the outing reminded me of all the trips to CP we made in college and I could recall a story for every nook and cranny in CP.



The countless trips to UCH, Pizza Hut, Kake di Hatti, The sneaking off of Vicky and Azeez for the Shankar market chola bhatooras and our eating exhorbiantly priced food, going to DV8 with the gang and lighting up Gudang Garams, Having Tequila shots taking the lead from T, The mad dash for the saunf at all the restaurants and pocketing of the pouches and asking for second helpings.....

I was talking to Bobby a few days back and we started discussing Delhi and thus CP and it appeared that even though he is outside and I am here, CP as I knew it is perhaps as far away to me as it is for Bobby. Sure all the buildings are the same, but they are all personal now. All of them now have a bit of me and I have a bit of them in me.

To go on a similar nostalgic trip, watch this video by Rabbi Shergil...


PS: I'm not his agent :P

Ode to NH-8

If you are one of the thousands of 'professionals' commuting to Gurgaon every weekday, this might be a very very familiar sight around 6-7PM everyday while returning. Yes ladies and gentlemen, this is the much dreaded NH-8 of gurgaon. Notorious concrete serpent kilometres long. If you are in its grasp, it'll eat away your hours and hours making your days more miserable than usual. This monster traffic snarl you see in the pretty picture above took me 3 hours to get through. Woe to you stupid highway!

Love or something like it

I met a friend today and started chatting on random things as is the case with most of the conversations I have with people. Through various twists and turns, the talk turned to love. Ie. How do we perceive it. We couldn't fathom how people in 'love' talked for hours upon hours and what they talked about and that several of these don't even read books! I mean seriously, what can be so engrossing about a person that you can talk to her/him for 10 hours a day? At this point we poked fun at the people we know and who go on regular talkathons and then we felt guilty for being snobbish and bitching. So we began to have a bit of an introspection. What according to us is it that attracts to the other sex. Some broad qualities. My take on this was the person must absolutely read books. Why books? Because one who reads wants something more out of life than the standard fare that is dished out by fate ever so often. Therefore the person is a natural romantic. For if someone who doesn't read, how can he love? He's too damned self satisfied!

On another note, I was just struck by another thought right now (if thoughts were bricks i'd be dead by the way!) blogs are a way to ask for acceptance. We want people to read about us and know us and remember us and accept us. So please accept and love me. Puhleaseeee. To convince you, I'll end my blog with a cute/fancy smiley ^_^

Rawk!!

I received a mail from Sahil Makhija, the front man of Demonic Resurrection, today. His self owned record lable is bringing out a new CD the tracklist goes something like this:

Demonic Resurrection – Beyond The Darkness
1. Journey To Solaris
2. Celestial Disharmony
3. And The Dream Will Cease To Exist
4. Beyond The Darkness
5. The Fallen Stars
Severe Dementia – Epitaph Of Plassey
6. Entombment of the Traitor
7. Credence of Fort William
8. The Bengal Regiment
9. Howls Of Mushidabad
10. Strangled by Treason and Forgery
Dusk – Dead Heart Dawning
11. When The Mirror Speaks
12. Dreaming Gotishya
13. Sorrows Of The Flesh
14. Dead Heart Dawning
Bonus Tracks - Helmskey
15. Black Disharmonium
16. To Rise And Fall Again

Now notice the fantastic choice of song names let alone the band names and their section names. Now I couldn't help but burst into a hearty guffaw. Either I am totally out of the local metal scene or this is possibly the most ridiculous sounding track-list ever. Seeing this I came up with a new band name and a new album name and a new track-list for my own self.

Band Name -> Band with the cool name which you cannot pronounce

Album Name -> Immortal enema of Satan's legions

Tracks ->

1) I wore a black bib while I sucked on Satan's tits
2) Misery of balls enthrallum
3) Seven cats from hell's trashcans of filth
4) Why does the black bell toll when I'm taking a dump?
5) I am macho I wipe with cactus
6) Six six sex!!

Woo hoo I'm a rock star!!